Thursday, December 24, 2009

I'm on top of the world...


What's that on top? Yes... u guessed it right...

The top one is Amin's PMR result and the one below is Mia's UPSR grades...

I am so happy today... so very happy!!! Unimaginably happy!!!... Oh God... Syukur Alhamdulillah... People might ask... 5A 3B pun nak kecoh... Phuh!!! If u know Amin's history (academically) you would also tip your hat for him... really! honest!!!

Amin went to kindy for 3 years but was only able to read when he entered standard 2. Imagine that... His test and exam results were always barely average, except for Mathematics. Somehow he almost always managed to do well in that subject. And me... (yg selalu mulut laser, even to my own children... hahaha...) always accused him of taking after his daddy's IQ... Belajar tak pandai macam your daddy, tapi Math kau boleh pulak pandai, hm... macam your daddy jugaklah sebab your daddy memang pandai "berkira"...

On top of that, in preparation for his PMR exam, Amin also refused to go to tuition classes. He said, the teachers were not good, his classmates were noisy, the classroom was hot... 1001 excuses...

So, he took the liberty to make his own decision and dropped out of his tutition classes in April. Tapi nasib baik, he was honest... When I gave him the money for May's fee, that's when he told me that he didnt want to attend the classes anymore. I am so grateful that he didnt do what his half sister did when she was preparing for her SPM and later failed with flying colours... hahaha... (that story was told in "Claiming Credit" entry).

Anyway, I scolded him for making that decision on his own and I tried to force him to go back to the classes, or register at another tuition center. But, he instead demanded that I hired a private tutor like I did for Muaz when Muaz was in Form 3. I tried to reason with him, now that we are "on our own", I couldnt afford to hire a private tutor for him. So, he pulled a long face and merajuk... he said... in that case, tak pe lah, he could learn on his own. So, that's just what he did... he studied on his own, with help from online e-tutor and exchanging notes with his cousin, my brother's daughter who scored straight As.

One other factor, of course, the turun-naik court yang until now still tak berkesudahan... which also at one point dragged him to be directly involved as a witness...

So, because of all those factors, I did not expect that he would get such "good" results...

Oh boy... Amin... you really proved it today that you are truly mummy's son... And mummy apologises for all the laser words that I said to your face before this (mostly sebagai lepas geram to your daddy)...

Congratulations and thank you my dear Amin...
You just put me on top of the world today...

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

We are going on a paid holiday again...

Since school holiday started I havent taken the kids anywhere... not even balik kg for Raya Haji... (because Muaz was sitting for SPM and he still had Physics and Chemistry after Raya Haji). So, of course his brothers and sister blamed him for them to have been deprived of spending their Raya with their Mak Yang and Ayah Alang whom they adore so much... Ever since my mother passed away, my sister, who my kids call Mak Yang and her husband, their Ayah Alang, have become almost like their grandparents - balik kg means balik to Mak Yang's house, balik raya means raya at Mak Yang's house...

And then we had to postpone lagi holiday sebab last week Aqim pulak bersunat... so, to go anywhere, we have to wait for him to recover...

So, we had to wait until end of the year to go on a holiday... and as luck has it, I have been assiged to handle a workshop at our branch in Sungai Petani on 29th December... Hm... memang lah rezeki for me to take the kids on "paid" holiday again... Yeay!!!

This is not my first time going to our SP office, but before this I took a flight to Penang and someone from the SP office picked me up at Penang airport. So, this will be my first time driving to SP, though I have driven to up north before (but up to Kulim only) visiting my sister last May when I had to visit our Penang office, and I brought the kids along.

Anyway... this time, we will start our holiday on Christmas day. First stop is Felda Residence Trolak at Sungkai (a friend told me the place is heavenly peaceful, but then again, with 5 screaming and jumping kids, mana lah nak peacefulnya)...

Next stop is my kids' Mak Yang's house and 2 weddings, one in Ipoh, the other one in Bandar Sri Iskandar.

We will explore Taiping on the 27th - visiting an old friend recently reunited (thanks to facebook) and then possibly the Taiping Zoo... or other destination that I cannot disclose yet... takut my kids get overexcited and kalau tak jadi they would be disappointed...

I will start driving to SP on the 28th - Swiss Inn is the place that we will spend the night.The kids will be on their own on the 29th while I do my work. I havent had specific plans for the 30th yet... I have a few options, but (again) I cannot disclose here takut the kids ter-overexcited... hehe...

So, that's the plan....

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Potong...

My last boy was circumsized yesterday... adoi... very emotionally draining exercise... he didnt want me to leave the treatment room, I had to hug him for the entire 30 minutes procedure... and he cried throughout... and I pun apa lagi... I cried along with him...

Sunday, December 13, 2009

It feels good being appreciated...

Annual Dinner cum Service Excellence Award for Financial Year 2008/2009 for the organisation that I work for was held last night...

It started at 8pm and ended at 1am...

Anuar Zain was the guest artist... that guy is so skinny... he looked like one of The Beatles... hahaha...

And... at the dinner... I received the "President's Award of Recognition" - one of the highest awards given away every year. And this is my second year of getting the award...

Hm.. it feels good being appreciated...

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Milestone

Muaz "khatam" secondary school officially yesterday. His last paper was Chemistry, and when I asked him "how was it?", his answer was "Boleh la..." In fact that was the standard answer that he gave everytime I asked after he finished a paper. When I complained about it, he said "well... mummy pun tanya standard question jugak"... Anak-anak zaman sekarang... "pandai menjawab"...

I think, everytime my children sat for exams, I was more nervous than them. Especially Muaz, he seemed very cool... in fact too cool... he watched TV as usual, jogged every evening as usual, lepak with his friends as usual... did not break away from his routine at all during the exam weeks. I can only pray that he will get good result so that he can enrol in good programs like Diploma in Pharmacy (if he chooses to stick to science) or Diploma in Accounting.

Anyway... Muaz finishing seconday school signifies a new milestone in my life... he will be 18 next April... which means I will have an "adult" son who I can really appoint as "the man of the house". In a way, I feel relief because in absence of si polan, Muaz can play or shoulder that role "legally" now (I mean once he turns 18 in April 2010). Yet, in another hand, I can't help but to worry mainly because this is the cucial years of his life that he should have a mentor or a role model to help him through the process of transforming from a teenager to an adult. I ask myself sometimes if what I am doing is fair to him...

And I know that the situation that I am in right now has effects on him. For example, I often hear him says that he plans to stay single forever. One of the occasions is when we were talking about buying a new house. He prefers a double story house but I prefer single story because when I am old and staying alone, it will be a waste to have such large space but unoccupied. He responded by saying... "dont worry mummy, I will stay with you forever because I will never get married"... Jokingly I replied "Ala... you'll never know... once you meet someone you like, you'll forget what you said today..." But actually, his words cut me deep, because I know his losing faith in marriage is definitely due to the example set by me and his daddy...

Friday, December 4, 2009

Another postponement...

I received a call from my lawyer's office this morning...

My next court appearance (this appearance is only for the court to announce the judge's verdict) which is supposed to be on next Monday, 7th December, is now being postponed again... Reason? Syariah judges have to go for a course for 2 weeks starting next Monday... And my case is tentatively rescheduled to March 2010... because the judge's dates for January and February are fully booked... they didnt even give an exact date...

I am lost for words... really...

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Letih...

I tire easily nowadays....

Work at the office is almost "uncatchupable"... if there is such a word... meaning I cannot catch up with the pace... one deadline after another, actually many of the deadlines are overlapping...

I seriously think that I'm getting too old for this kind of job... I approached the management, asking to step down and for them to appoint someone younger... their answer "Yes, you can step down, but please groom someone to take over..." Adoi...

The problem with young people nowadays, at least those working under my supervision right now, they dont like challenges. They just want to come in at 9am, conduct whatever sessions/classes/seminars/etc that they have to do and go back at 5pm... but they want good pay...

I am really tired... really really really tired... rasa macam anytime can pengsan now... really...

Monday, November 30, 2009

Tak ada rindu... Ada rimas...

Thats how I feel about my babies... particularly Aqim and Nabil...

OMG... these two boys are constantly at each other's throat... fighting non-stop... one always negates whatever the other is saying...

For example, right now we are watching Awan Dania... when Aqim says "cunnya dania ni...." Nabil would say "mana ada... tak cantik langsung"...

And when they quarel, they would call each other by the female part of their names... eg. Nabil is Nabilah, Aqim is Aqimah, Amin is Aminah... dulu rasa macam cute... now irritates me so much...

Arghghgh!!!!... naik darah tinggi aku...

Friday, November 27, 2009

Masak tak menjadik...

I cooked nasi impit... ketupat mini adabi... almost half of them broke (plastik pembalutnya pecah). I cooked kuah kacang... pun tak menjadik, tak tau apa yg tak cukup, tapi yg pasti tak ada umph (as Muaz put it)... I used the same recipe that I usually used (my mom's recipe)... hm...

Next, i tried to fry mihum pulak... also tak sedap...

Then I remember... semua tak menjadi because nobody kacau me in the kitchen while I was cooking today, selalunya Aqim and Nabil would be busy asking "mummy masak apa?" and then sibuk nak rasa... "mummy.. let me have a taste.. hm... sedapnya"...

I miss them so much...

Raya yang tak raya...

It's my fourth day without my babies today... Mia, Aqim and Nabil have been with their daddy since Tuesday. They came home for awhile yesterday afternoon to pick up their baju raya and other stuff because they said daddy wanted them to follow him balik kampung...

Today is also my first raya without all my kids around... which means... no raya for me...

This reminds me of my late parents... especially in the 90s when my father was still around... since all of us were already married (except my first brother), we had to take turn spending raya with our inlaws. So, to make sure mak and bapak didnt have to spend the raya alone, we made sure at least 3 of us would be spending the first raya with them at one time...

But what happened was, both of them would be in their long faces... mak would be crying... sometimes bapak also cried with her... I tried to pujuk them...

"dah lah mak, bapak... dia orang ada mertua, kenalah bergilir raya... ani pun nanti tahun depan kena bergilir beraya dengan mertua pulak..."

I remember one of those raya mornings, my mother said "Kamu apa tau... nanti bila sampai masa kamu, kamu tahu lah..." and she would continue crying...

Hm... today... this morning... when I woke up and saw Aqim's and Nabil's bed (across from mine) empty... I felt a large lump in my throat... as I hugged their toys (garfield, barney, willy...) and cried, my mind travelled back to those raya mornings where I was telling my parents not to cry... and my mom would say... nanti bila masa kamu, kamu tahulah...

Well mak... sekarang ani tahu macam mana rasanya...

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Claiming credit...

Ever since Mia got her UPSR result, her daddy has been claiming credits... bawa dia balik kg jumpa atuk, kononnya minta blessing sebab dah dapat result elok, mintak-mintaknya all exams akan datang pun Mia akan dapat result elok... By the way atuk gave her RM5 je... yes... Five Ringgit Only.. kedekut!!!

Pada halnya... when I asked him to pay Mia's tuition fees early this year, his answer was "Awak kan gaji beribu...". In fact his contribution to all my 5 angels' education is almost negligible... tapi suddenly nak claim credit... bangsat betul...

I still remember early this year when I had an "sms war" with his first daughter... I called her "stupid, bodoh, bahlol, bangang"... actually I dare called her "bodoh" because she failed all papers in SPM except BM... what else would you call people who fail all papers in SPM? Betul tak?

Anyway... the bimbo, who I also call "bohsia" because of the way she dresses, must have mengadu to him (his daddy, si polan...). So, si polan ni marah kat I, he came over to my house and actually said this to me... "jangan panggil anak I bodoh, sebab Mia tu pun belum tentu pandai ke tidak.. tengok lah nanti"... imagine, dia sumpah anak dia sendiri. I sumpah that airhead because she is not my daughter and in fact she is one of the contributors to the predicament that I am in right now... tapi what father in a right mind would curse his own daughter like that... apa dosa Mia pada dia...

And speaking of the bohsia daughter of his... when she was in Form 5, the year she took her SPM, she only pretended to go for tuition classes on the nights that she was supposed to be in those classes. She was given a motorbike to go to the classes herself, but instead, what she did was merempit dengan one boy, a factory worker, who I understand is still her boyfren now. The money that she was supposed to pay for her tuition classes, she used to do rebonding on her hair... and her (also stupid) mother didnt question where she got the money from to do her hair... memang anak beranak moron...

Eh, this entry was supposed to talk about Mia and how her daddy is now claiming credit to her 5As in her UPSR recently... melalut pulak... maklumlah... tengah marah ni...

So... itu lah... After cursing Mia, his own daughter, after ignoring her for almost a year... after refusing to pay for tuition classes that Mia attended... suddenly now nak claim credit... huh!! TAK MALU!!! Eeeee.... memang BANGSAT!!!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Old friend...

I have heard about a lot of goodness that facebook has brought to some people... and the bala it brought to others...

And recently I dont know why that I had the sudden urge to want to find my old friends... old school friends and university friends... So, after several tutoring sessions given my my sons, I created a facebook account... using my real full name and putting my utmost "skema" photo... haha!! The objective is so that old friends would recognise me...

Since then I managed to find and be found by a number of primary and secondary school friends.

And today I met one of them, Saerwati her name... a dear dear old friend from primary school. We were in the same class for 5 years I think... It was good talking about the past... the good old primary school days... the best years of school of all... memories like being the most famous group of girls in the school... sharing lunch that we brought from home under the tree near the school during recess... sport days... and many other fond childhood memories... really mengusik jiwa...

But when we talked about the present... the mood suddenly changed... If this was a movie, the background music, which was playing a happy song, suddenly changed to a sad sentimental one... Sigh... From her I heard news about many other friends... at least one of our classmate had died... at least one is divorced... and our lives' stories too were somewhat similar... except she gave up half way when her husband was adamant not to let her go... and she didnt want to subject her children to the messy divorce proceedings... Hm... But she told me to be strong and never give up...

Actually, when we first talked (over the fon and emails) about meeting, she wanted to invite one other friend (male) from primary school also, in KL. And that friend is only free after work, hence at night. So, given my circumstances, it is not possible for me to meet friends on social basis at night. So, I gave her one excuse after another not to go. But she kept pushing... until I had no choice but to tell her my predicament. That's when she agreed to just meet me alone..

So we met today... after 33 years... the last time we met was on the last day of standard 6 in 1976. After that we went to different secondary schools - I went to a boarding school in Ipoh, and she went to a day school not far from our primary school... and we havent heard from each other since... oh, except once through my sister because she married my sister's classmate back in 1980s when I was was still studying in the US...

Oh, at her age... which is the same as my age... she already has one grandchild... Tiba2 rasa pulak diri ni dah tua...

33 years... that's a lot of years...

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Mia made me a proud mummy today...

The thing that I fear most this year is that the predicament that I am in for more than a year now would adversely affect my children's education, hence to some extent, their future. Three of them are sitting for national examinations: Mia UPSR, Amin PMR and Muaz SPM.

Mia and Amin already finished and done with their exams and Muaz just started his SPM yesterday. Mia and Amin looked genuinely nervous during their exams but Muaz is extremely cool this week... which, needless to say worries me a bit. Even though he is guaranteed a place at the university where I am currently teaching, because it offers programs from Certificate (entry requirement is just 1 Pass subject in SPM) right up to PhD and DBA, I would like him to enroll in at least a diploma program. All I can do now, I think, is just pray real hard that he will get good grades in at least 5 subjects... Hm...

Forget Muaz and Amin for at least right now...

The reason for me writing this entry is actually to announce that my girl, my only girl of the 5 kids that I have...

SCORED 5 As IN HER UPSR...

yeay!!!!

CONGRATULATIONS MIA!!!

You really did mummy proud...

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Good luck Muaz!

Muaz will be sitting for his first paper for his SPM tomorrow.

So, my dear Muaz... mummy prays and hopes that you will pass with flying colours...

Sunday, November 15, 2009

My favourite season of the year..

I am a Summer baby, but Autumn is my favourite season...

And it's autumn now in the 4 seasons house at Bukit Cerakah Shah Alam...





Saturday, November 14, 2009

Muaz's graduation day...

Muaz had his graduation day on Friday the 13th. He didnt even bother to invite me because he said he knew how busy I was... imagine that... but it was only Secondary School Graduation day... I would not have missed it if it were a college graduation...

He will begin his college education at the University I work for next year. Diploma in what? I am suggesting Diploma in Accounting... itu pun if he agrees... otherwise he can choose what ever field he feels most suitable for him.

I have seen/met parents who "made" their children venture into area that didnt match the kids' interest. In the end, the kids dropped out. Or if they made it, they were not happy. For me, nothing matters more than my kids' happiness...

And my dream is on the day that he goes up the stage to receive his diploma... I'd also be walking up the same stage to receive my PhD... :)

Anyway... here are some of the photos that he brought home...


A group photo with his friends


A formal photo with Principal, teachers and classmates


Another group photo without the robes....


With Samira and Daniel


This one is his kindergarten graduation... 11 years ago...
Guess which one is my Muaz? Yup... the tallest boy in the front row... even sitting down you can see how tall he was... hard to imagine... he weighed a mere 1.86kg at birth, yet at 6 years he was the tallest boy in his class.

Next week, Wednesday, he will be sitting for his first paper in SPM. Please pray that he will be able to sit through his exam until the last paper on 8th December without any distractions...

Friday, November 13, 2009

Friday the 13th...

It was a horrible Friday the 13th...

In fact the past 2 weeks have been horrible weeks for me... work wise that is... we had the worst audit ever... not from external auditors... but by the VP operation... and she said she will not be satisfied until everything is arranged/kept/displayed/recorded/filed based on the order that she has pre-determined.

Phuh... susahnya working for a perfectionist... but what to do... I've got to make a living...

Sigh...

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Happy birthday dear Amad...





Friday Nite At The Movie... but the story outside the movie that touched me...

I have been so engrossed in my work in the past few weeks that I know the children were beginning to feel neglected...

To make it up to them I brought them to see the movie yesterday... my meeting finished at 7.00pm... while driving on the way back, I called Muaz and told him to ask his brothers and sister to get ready to go out, "we are going to see a movie"...

Yeay... since I didnt really plan for that outing, in the car, on the way to the Bukit Raja TGV, the kids were discussing what movie to watch... MJ? Pisau Cukur? 2012? G-Force?... After a heated discussion and some verbal abusive languages thrown at each other... MJ's This Is It outvoted Pisau Cukur by 3 to 2... (Hm.. what am I going to do with the kids who sometimes used some languages that are so bad that some of them I have never even heard of... but that's entirely a different topic altogether.. I'll write on that in another entry)...

I dont think I have to write another review on the movie... there were a few shots that brought tears to my eyes. But I must say this.. this is the only movie that I watched that the audience did not get up to leave until the screen really went black... Hm...

But actually, my eyes were already teary before the movie started.... Something interesting and touching happened just before the movie started. A lady who was seated in the next row kept looking at me while whispering to a younger girl sitting next to her. She looked somewhat familiar, but I just could not recall who exactly she was at first. I tried not to look at her, but through the corner of my eye I could see that she was still looking at me and I just knew that she was talking about me with the girl next to her.

Just before the lights in the theater were dimmed, she called out to me "Ani ke?". Oh my God... she knew my name... so, to be polite, I walked to her and salam her hands... and said... "Saya minta maaf, siapa ni...?". And she answered "Kak Puteh... Dulu, Kak Puteh satu wad dengan mak Ani kat hospital Klang... ingat tak?" Oh my God... Oh my God... that was in 2003 and she still remembered me... I could not say a word, I was all choked up... I just looked at her and smiled and only managed to utter "Ohh..." Nasib baik the lights were dimmed at that exact moment, I had to return to my seat. Because I really didnt know what to say to her...

Kak Puteh was only my late mom's "roommate" for 3 days, and my mom was unconscious in 2 of the 3 days that she was there, before I had her transfered to Putrajaya Hospital after she slipped into comma... But despite the fact that that happened more than 6 years ago and my mom was only there for 3 days, Kak Puteh still remembered me... really terharu...

As I remember it, my mom was at the Klang Hospital for 3 days and I only managed to talk to other patients on the first day. I forgot everyone around my mom on the second and third days because she was in a comma with tubes, wires and ventilator hooked up to her..

That unexpected encounter with that sweet lady at the movie really touched me... I could not stop thinking about her... until today...

Today at work, I told my staff that I went to the movie last night... when they asked how was the movie, I said it was good. But when they asked again which part of the movie I liked the most... my answer "the part where I met a very sweet lady who once shared the same ward with my late mom just before my mom died in 2003". And they went "Huh?" I told them about the unexpected encounter, 2 or 3 of them actually had tears in their eyes....

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Where is that Aladin's lamp...

I stayed up late last night finishing the report that was due yesterday... and woke up this morning to the sound of... teret teret teret teret teret teret teret teret........ tererereret.... (The Pink Panther show...)... hehe...

Sure brings back a lot of old memories... in the US... student days... Saturday morning cartoons...

After lectures and lectures and lectures and more lectures on weekdays, I sure looked forward to Saturday for a doze of Saturday morning cartoons... the ones I liked particularly were the Smurfs, the Chipmunks, Scooby-doo... and of course the Pink Panther... During winter my roommate (now a GM in a prominent corporation) and I would curl up on the sofa (feet towards each other) with a cup of hot coco in our hands and we would be watching the cartoons all day... one after another... sometimes until we fell asleep...

When the cartoons were over, we would still be in the sofa... if there were no exam or quiz coming up, we would be reading novels... if it was near exam time, we would be reading text books or lecture notes...

Hm... gone were the good old days... the carefree days... the "no-responsibility" days (except towards study and getting good results)...

I wish I could turn back time and undo so many things that I should not have done... Where is that Aladin's lamp when we need one...

Monday, November 2, 2009

Anak bujangku...


Anak aku dah bujang wo....

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Another postponement...

The judge did not deliver his verdict today. Why? Because according to him, the taklik was not clear. He needed to investigate further, specifically he needed to consult JAIP because that's where I got married.

The irony is... I filed my taklik application in July 2008 and since then, I have been up and down the court 6 or 7 times... the judge had more than a year to consult JAIP... why didnt he?

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

22 October 2009

The judge will give his verdict tomorrow...

This old couple...

I hv known this old couple for more than 20 years... They have 11 children... and they are known to be pious among the neighbours, relatives and friends... they have been to Mekah more than 10 times I think, 3 times performing haj and many times for Umrah...

But I feel sorry for them... one of their daughters had an illegitimate child when she was young about 20 years ago... oklah... that was history... she has repented... but recently, her son (the couple's grandson, the illegitimate son of their daughter) came home and made an announcement that he wanted to get married real fast because his girlfriend was pregnant...

Now they not only have an illegitimate grandson, they also have an illegitimate great grandchild...

I really feel sorry for this old couple...

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Plants and memories...



When I moved in to this house 19 October last year, a friend gave a house warming present - flower from her garden. I planted this plant at the right hand corner of the fence in front of my house. I never really took care of it. I planted it there, and watered it whenever I remembered to do so. But most of the time, the plant got its water from mother nature... But last week, I noticed a bud... and today a full bloom... I looked in the net and found the name of the plant is
Heliconia psittacorum x H. marginata

Thank You Aliza...




When I moved in to the first house I ever bought in 1994, my father gave this plant. My maids (I had a series of them) were the ones who really took care of it. When the last one returned to Indonesia in December 2005, nobody really looked after my plants. Many died. This one almost died... the day that I moved out of that house last year was the day that I noticed that it almost died. I took it to my new house and put it in the sun so that if I forget to water it, it would be able to bathe in and drink rain water...




Bourgenvilla or bunga kertas or in Perak it is known as bunga bulang... my late mother's passion... She had rows and rows of them in many different colours and species in the front compound of our house in Perak... some even had different colours on the same branch... my late father too shared the same hobby, and he was the one responsible "marrying" the different colours of flowers in one tree...

Earlier this year when I went to my sister's house, I noticed she also had many pots of the flowers in her compound and I said to her that it was nice that she took after mom's hobby. She replied "actually I took all these from our house in the kg...". That brought tears to my eyes... I sat there in between the flowers and trying to smell the flowers... Later, before I went back to Shah Alam, I asked my sister for some branches (or is called stick?) so that I could plant them... I planted them in 2 pots and both are growing healthy... the above is one of them... just cant wait for the flowers to appear....

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Siapa yang melampau...

The reason for me not entering any new posts for quite some time is primarily due to me not having any new issues to write about. Or I could say that I didnt really have the urge to write...

But today, while I was on the way to a meeting in KL, I saw a headline in Harian Metro on the newsstand... phuh!!! I could almost feel my heart thumping in my chest... I didnt by the paper then, because I knew I would "react" to the news.. I waited until I reached the office (our KL city campus) to read the news online..

Here it is...

The title of the article is SUAMI MELAMPAU...
but I think the title should be MAHMAKAMAH SYARIAH MELAMPAU

KUALA LUMPUR: “Saya sedih dan kecewa kerana kes ini tidak dilayan walaupun pelbagai bukti kekejaman suami diserah kepada Mahkamah Syariah Petaling Jaya dan Kuala Lumpur, termasuk laporan polis bagi menyokong tuntutan fasakh.

“Selain dipukul dan diperlakukan sesuka hati oleh suami, saya ada membuat aduan polis mengenai tindakan anak tiri saya berusia belasan tahun menodai saya, tetapi semua itu tidak dilayan,” keluh seorang wanita berusia 47 tahun yang mendakwa didera suami.

Dia yang hanya mahu dikenali sebagai Sapiah meluahkan kekecewaannya kerana mengalami penderitaan dan penderaan mental serta fizikal sejak berkahwin dengan suaminya enam tahun lalu.

Mengimbas perkahwinan itu, Sapiah mendakwa, dia dipaksa berkahwin apabila sering diancam termasuk diugut dengan senapang patah oleh lelaki berkenaan.

“Kami berkenalan ketika sama-sama bekerja di sebuah syarikat kawalan keselamatan di ibu negara.

“Saya bertugas di bahagian kerani operasi yang antara lain ditugaskan membuat pengesahan keluar masuk senjata api, manakala dia berjawatan pegawai operasi keselamatan.

“Dia memang kerap cuba memikat tapi saya tidak layan. Sehinggalah ke satu tahap dia mengacu senapang patah sambil mengugut akan membunuh saya jika tidak berkahwin dengannya,” katanya ketika ditemui di Balai Berita, di sini.

Akibatnya, Sapiah berkata, dia akhirnya akur dengan desakan itu dan berkahwin dengan lelaki terbabit yang juga duda beranak dua.

Selepas berkahwin, katanya mereka berpindah ke Melaka berikutan suaminya memberi alasan mahu bekerja berhampiran dengan kampung halamannya.

“Ketika di rumah itu, barulah saya tahu segala perlakuan suami. Dia terlampau banyak menonton cakera padat video (VCD) lucah, malah telefon bimbitnya juga mengandungi lebih 500 gambar dan rakaman porno.

“Apa yang mengejutkan ialah suami juga mengetahui anaknya turut mempunyai kegemaran menonton VCD lucah, tapi dia langsung tak marah atau melarang.

“Suami juga mempunyai nafsu terlampau tinggi... setiap hari secara purata dia menginginkan persetubuhan sebanyak 10 kali,” katanya.

Sapiah berkata, kesabarannya sampai ke kemuncak apabila pada satu malam, dia yang sedang lena, terkejut apabila dicium beberapa kali.

“Saya ingatkan suami kerana dia berada di sebelah ketika saya mahu terlelap sebelum itu. Tapi saya curiga kerana bau badan berlainan dan apabila membuka mata, saya terkejut sebaik mendapati ia sebenarnya anak tiri saya.

“Ketika itu suami saya berada di sebelah dan hanya melihat saja perlakuan jijik anaknya terhadap saya,” katanya yang kemudian membuat laporan polis berhubung kejadian itu.

Sejak itu, Sapiah berkata, dia membuat tuntutan fasakh tiga kali di Mahkamah Rendah Syariah Wilayah Persekutuan Kuala Lumpur dan Mahkamah Rendah Syariah Petaling Jaya.

Bagaimanapun, katanya jawapan sedih diterima kerana mahkamah menolak permohonannya.

“Saya merayu untuk mendapat pembelaan. Hakim beberapa kali menegur kerana tiada peguam hadir bagi pihak saya.
“(Tetapi) Mana ada duit untuk mengupah peguam. Saya cuba dapat bantuan di Biro Bantuan Guaman Selangor, namun sering kali hanya mampu mendengar alasan mereka tidak cukup kakitangan bahagian syariah dan tak ramai peguam syarie yang ada,” katanya.

Sapiah berkata, dia kini bertambah runsing apabila setiap hari diganggu dengan SMS dihantar suaminya yang antara lain berbunyi: “I (saya) solat hajat, wahai Tuhan kami, Engkau sentaplah nyawa isteriku xxxxxxx xx xxxxx sebagai pengajaran.”

Sapiah berkata, dia dan suaminya tidak tinggal serumah sejak 2006 dan mendakwa tidak diberi nafkah sejak tinggal berasingan.

-----

I had a conversation with a mufti of one of the states about a related issue not too long ago, i.e issues of having to appoint a lawyer and the fact that divorce/fasakh,taklik/tebus talak proceeding being tried in an open court. And he did say a few pertinent points:

1. Divorce (and the like) proceeding should not be tried in an open court because some time the issues are quite embarassing to either or both parties.

2. There isnt really a need for a lawyer to represent the parties. The judge should be the one asking questions and evaluating the answers. He even said, the way mahkamah syariah runs the divorce trials, one might have the impression that the judge and the lawyers have something up their sleeves...

----

As for the article that I pasted above, I have only one thing to say about mahkamah syariah... SIAL!!!

Men are not afraid to act MELAMPAU because they know mahkamah syariah condones their behaviour... so in this case, yang MELAMPAU sebenarnya adalah mahkamah syariah itu sendiri...

Monday, September 14, 2009

Nabil and memory of Raya 2001

This entry has been in a draft folder for quite some time... and I am posting it at 1am 24 Oct 2009.

My mind is working overtime again...

Lately, I find it so hard to fall asleep...

So, I am doing what most sensible girl would do... blogging... hehe...

As I read the entries that I have written, I noticed that I forgot to write about Nabil on his birthday like I did on Muaz's and Amin's birthday...

Sorry Nabil...

So, here it is...

Actually a lot has happened in the gap that I didnt post any entries... among others...

I turned 39 for the 6th time on 16 August :) No big celebration, just an intimate dinner with kids... their dad bought me an expensive gift... I took it (kata orang rezeki jangan ditolak, maut jangan dicari)... I used it several times but later decided I should not have used it. So I put it back in the shopping bag that it was brought in...

After my promotion, my immediate superior resigned and the organisation has not appointed a replacement yet. Which explains my absence from the world of blogging...

I have also been outstation several times, to Penang (again) and Kuala Trengganu (in Ramadhan). Plus I had to go to Ampang branch a few times for internal audit and training of new staff... twice in Ramadhan... letih...

My Nabil turned 8 on 10th September... my youngest boy... actually I'm still treating him like a baby, and I think he too must think that he is still a baby... up to a point that he occasionally still wets his bed...

But his life has been a dramatic one, despite baru 8 years...

Like my other children, Nabil was also born prematurely (30 weeks) with a mere weight of 1.68kg. My late mother said, that was an equivalent to ikan tenggiri. :) I gave birth at a private maternity clinic in Klang, and he couldnt breath on his own. The Dr had wrongly estimated his lungs condition and was not prepared to treat such condition. The clinic contacted Klang GH (HTAR) but was turned down. Nabil was later transferred to KL GH. And despite being premature, I delivered him via C-section as he was lying transverse in my womb. I was only discharged after 4 days and immediately driven to KL GH to join him there. (Gov hospital policy: mother and newborn baby must be warded together if either one is not well enough to be discharged).

We were both discharged after almost 2 months bermastautin di KL GH tu...

Everything was fine until he was 3 months old. Unlike his brothers and sister, he was a cryer (kuat menangis), sometimes for no apparent reasons. One day when I was at work, the maid called and asked me to come home immediately, she claimed that she knew why Nabil cried a lot and she didnt know the name of the illness here. She wanted me to come home so that she could show it to me. Rupanya it was a hernia or angin pasang. In fact it was a double hernia, on his navel and just above his bird.... He had to undergo an operation, and it was performed a few days before Raya 2001 (December).

And that Raya was my turn to follow him (my kids' daddy) to spend the Raya at his mother's, I had no problem with that. But the night before the trip, he told me that his other wife's sister and 3 kids were going to ride with us. And the way that he told me, it was actually an instruction and there was no room for discussion. I said, between my 5 kids, me, himself and another 4 stowaways, the ride would be very uncomfortable. What more with a baby who just underwent an operation. So, I disagreed with his plan. And because of that, he literally "cursed" me and told me to not ever balik kg with him.. he literally "halau" me and the kids to balik kg to my mother's place in Perak. And I had no problem with that as well... He just went off and left us ...

As for me and my kids, we went back to Perak after solat subuh the next day (on the Raya day)...

Later (at a raya visit to his brother in Pandan), his sister in law told me what happened during the Raya at his kg. He was telling about my "derhaka" attitude "loudly" at the last buka puasa gathering at his mother's house and he referred to me as "perempuan tu"...

But God is really almighty... all just and fair... all compassionate... that night he sent his brother in law (his wife's brother) to KL to pick the sister and 3 kids that were supposed to tumpang us. On the way to KL, on the PLUS highway, the front windscreen broke for no apparent reason... So, his brother in law ended up spending Raya in a workshop... and the sister and 3 kids only reached kg on the second day of raya...

Anyway... that raya was not a bad raya after all... I got a brand new nephew... my sister who went balik kg to raya with my mum, ended in the hospital to have her 5th child... My brother who works and lives in Kuching Sarawak also were there...

I went back to Shah Alam on the 3rd day of raya but he only came back after a week... and he was still angry and blamed me on the mishap that happened to his brother in law on the PLUS highway...

He never did apologise... somehow that event just faded and passed and forgotten... I dont know if I have forgiven him for what he did that raya... hm...

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Hm...

I havent blogged for so long...

So many stories to tell...

So many emotions to let out...

So much tears to shed...

So many, so many, so much, so much...

Dont know where to begin...

Oh well... I will just do it when I know how to...

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Hilangkanlah segalanya...




Sudah cukup hatiku dilukai
sekian lama rasa tak dihargai
sampai bila harus aku menanti
saat indah setelah dikau pergi
inginku hapus semua
rasa mencengkam ini
hanya padamu ku meminta
aku pasrah

hilangkan rasa gundahku
hilangkan rasa dukaku
hilangkanlah segalanya
ku tak ingin sakit lagi

hilangkan kekosonganku
hilangkan keasinganku
hilangkanlah segalanya
ku tak ingin lara lagi

hilangkan rasa gundahku
hilangkan rasa dukaku
hilangkanlah segalanya
ku tak ingin sakit lagi

hilangkan kekosonganku
hilangkan keasinganku
hilangkanlah segalanya
ku tak ingin lara lagi

hilangkanlah segalanya

ku menanti saat sinar mentari
ku menanti cahaya dalam hati
inginku gapai bintang yang gemerlapan
agar terang jiwa yang kegelapan
inginku hapus semua
rasa mencengkam ini
hanya padamu ku meminta
aku pasrah

Monday, July 27, 2009

Another day in court...

Another day in court...

Originally, today was supposed to be the day that the judge gives his verdict... but since he didnt bring his witnesses in the last trial, he was given today to produce his witnesses, and the day that the judge puts down his gavel was moved to 22nd Oct...

But what do u know... he tried to pull his stunt again today...

He has made a decision to not give his statement in the witness stand, but instead submitted an affidavit to the court a few days ago. But suddenly today he requested to give an oral testimony to add to his affidavit. My lawyer quickly objected because there is a section, 116(1) I think, that said when an affidavit has already been submitted, any additions must be done in writing too, not orally in court.

When my lawyer objected and the judge accepted, his lawyer requested that the additions to be submitted in the next trial and another date shall be chosen for the judge to give his decision. To this, my lawyer again objected and said, he should submit the additions by 31st July and the 22nd Oct still remains as the date for the verdict.

Fortunately, the judge agreed. Phuh... so 22nd Oct it is....

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Too little too late...

Sayang semuanya sudah terlambat
Tak guna engkau kesalkan lagi
Sayang semuanya sudah terlambat
Biarkan aku membawa diri

Berulang kali kau ulangi kesilapanmu
Diriku hanyalah sandaran cinta sementara

Mengapa engkau tak setia dalam percintaan
Terhempas aku bagaikan kaca berderai
Selepas itu kau menyesali

Sayang semuanya sudah terlambat
Tak guna engkau tangiskan lagi
Sayang semuanya sudah terlambat
Anggaplah aku tiada lagi

Terlanjur luka biarlah hatiku terluka
Apa terjadi biarkan kutanggung sendiri...

Monday, July 20, 2009

Disebut diingat jangan...

Setitis embun menitis
seribu kuntum mengembang
sepatah aku berjanji
kau sebut kau ulang-ulang

Membasah hujan membatu
meresap ditelan bumi
segala sumpah janjimu
tak satu yang kau tepati

Tiada tuntutan tiada ungkitan
bagimu tuan
kurela dilupakan
ku diumpat jangan
dikenang jangan

Berlalu kisah di taman
bak mimpi diganggu siang
disebut diingat jangan
tak guna dikenang-kenang...

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Bila kukenang kurenung...

Bila kukenang kurenung
remuk redam rasa tak tertanggung
harapan bahagia nan membumbung
terhempas hanyut terapung...

Harapan untuk bersama
mendirikan mahligai istana (not sure this line)
.....................(dont remember this line)
kiranya tak terlaksana...

Harapam ku kecewa
dalam ....... manis kata-kata (dont remember the second word of this line)
dengan pujukan yang hanya dusta
aku terpedaya

Alam keliling membisu
tak sepatah kata yang merayu
hanya aku menanggung duka pilu
tak seorang pun yang tahu....

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Remembering arwah mak...

My mom, Allahyarhamah Hajah Zainab binti Haji Abdul Hamid, passed away 6 years ago in July at Putrajaya Hospital, after slipping into comma (for 2 months) during PD (peritoneal dialysis) at HTAR Klang due to septicemia...

My thoughts are on her all day today...

Monday, July 13, 2009

LA ILAHA ILLA ANTA SUBHANAKA INNI KUNTU MINAZ ZALIMEEN

LA ILAHA ILLA ANTA SUBHANAKA INNI KUNTU MINAZ ZALIMEEN

LA ILAHA ILLA ANTA SUBHANAKA INNI KUNTU MINAZ ZALIMEEN

LA ILAHA ILLA ANTA SUBHANAKA INNI KUNTU MINAZ ZALIMEEN

LA ILAHA ILLA ANTA SUBHANAKA INNI KUNTU MINAZ ZALIMEEN

LA ILAHA ILLA ANTA SUBHANAKA INNI KUNTU MINAZ ZALIMEEN

LA ILAHA ILLA ANTA SUBHANAKA INNI KUNTU MINAZ ZALIMEEN

LA ILAHA ILLA ANTA SUBHANAKA INNI KUNTU MINAZ ZALIMEEN

There's no end to his cruelty...

Ever since I moved out of that God forsaken house 20th Ramadhan last year, I almost never received any letter or bill at this new house... Not TM bill, not Celcom bill, not a bank statement... Oh, but I did receive occasionally my electric and water bills.

And because of that, I often forget to pay those bills. And when I finally received them, the amount would triple of quadruple... which made me wait to pay them...

Today, when I came home from work about 7.30pm, the kids told me their dad gave them a pink form that notified the water supply has been cut. The pink notice was dated 11 July (last Saturday), the reminder was that the water supply will be cut on the 13th (today) if I dont make any payment...

The water supply has been cut!!! Imagine, living without water supply with 5 kids...

I know what is on his mind. He thinks that I would ask to go use the bathroom of that house now that my house does not have water supply. I am sure that house is loaded with bomoh stuff to "lock" me inside once I enter...

Bodoh!!!

Know this!!! I hate you even more now!!! I hate you!!! I hate you!!! I hate you!!!

I am not stupid!!! You jawa gila setan!!!

Aku benci kau!!! Aku benci kau!!!

LA ILAHA ILLA ANTA SUBHANAKA INNI KUNTU MINAZ ZALIMEEN

Lost and not found yet...

Strange thing happened yesterday...

I found that my IC and driver license were missing... all my other cards were there in my purse, except the 2 documents... Hm...

kemaafan... dendam yang terindah...

I have heard it a few times, I have read it more than once, I even bought a malay novel with that title... and I think there's also a song by Aishah...

Forgiveness is such sweet vengeance...

They say when the people who have wronged you ask for forgiveness, it is actually very satisfying to look them in the eye and say "Oh.. that's ok, I have forgiven you long ago..."

Hm... ye ke? because to me right now, right this minute, I do not (yet) have the intention of forgiving him and his daughter and son for what they did to me. Because I am afraid that if I forgive him, I would forget his cruelty and if I forget I might repeat the same mistake of going back to him...

In my heart and possibly in my brain right now I want them to pay for what they have done to me. I want them to feel what I feel... especially his daughter, I even make doa to God that some day when she is married her husband would do to her what her father did to me ...

Am I evil for thinking this way?

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Accident

While I was checking my emails and blogs, Nabil came back running

"Mummy! Mummy!Mummy! Ada budak kena langgar!"

Soon after that I heard a screeching (Aqim's bicycle)... again...

"Mummy! Mummy! Ada budak kena langgar... kepala dia kena gelek melekat kat bawah tayar. Orang ramai-ramai kena angkat kereta tu, tangan budak tu tepuk2 jalan..."

Aqim told me that he witnessed the whole accident...

It must have been one of my neighbour's kids... adoi kesian...

Thursday, July 9, 2009

The day after...

I have to postpone the Umrah trip to next year...

The day after the trial (yesterday), he came to my house early morning, after the children have gone to school (except Nabil).

It looked like his head was about to blow with him breathing heavily, his eyes red, and he was pacing back and forth in the living room... he was still in the same shirt that he wore to the court the day before.

He accused me of teaching the boys to lie... he said some very nasty things with nasty words and gestures (which I do not feel like repeating them here) that I thought he was going to whack me and murder me right here in my own living room. As he went on and on cursing me, I imagined myself lying in the middle of living room in a pool of blood lifeless when my children found me when they come home from school. It was really an eerie feeling...

But he left eventually... thank God...

But before he left he told me to not ever ask for anything from him anymore... not even to pick up the children from school if I come home late from work... not even when I have to go outstation...

So... that's why I have to postpone the Umrah trip...

I will go next year, insyaAllah, when Muaz will already be 18. And I can ship the children to my sister's house in Perak, let them ponteng sekolah for 2 weeks. I cant do that this year because 3 of them are sitting for major exams this year - Mia UPSR, Amin PMR and Muaz SPM.

Humming...

On my way home from work today, I found myself humming an old song... I didnt even know that I knew the song. What was even funnier (or creepier) was that I remembered all the lyrics except for one line... and I didnt remember the singer...

Here's the song:

Tinggallah mustika hati
izinku bermohon diri
Usah dikesalkan lagi
peristiwa yang telah terjadi

Airmata dan rayuan
tiada meninggalkan kesan
hatiku telah kau korban
..................(this is the line that I didnt remember)

Aku hanyalah insan
tak berdaya menghadapi rencana
namun aku bersyukur kepadanya
andai ini suratannya

Cintamu tiada lagi
hatiku terbiar sepi
biarkan ku bawa pergi
kan ku cari penawar yang suci...

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

MJ oh MJ...

I am staying up waiting for the live telecast of MJ's memorial service...

I am not his biggest fan, but believe it or not, I rasa sebak when I heard the news of his death on the radio...

Probably because I grew up with his songs... I first saw him as a flat-nosed black boy singing with his brothers in the 70s. I was in a boarding school at that time, and the show was on Saturday evening if my memory doesnt fail me... I'd be sitting in the front row of the TV hall and I'd be singing along with him...

As a student in the US, in the 80s, I witnessed his transformation from black to brown to white... I was in my freshman year when the video clip thriller was released... and I knew (still know) almost all the steps of the dance... hahaha...

And I also remember this... when he turned 30, a radio DJ said this:

"Today Michael Jackson turns 30, but his voice turns 13, his nose turns 3" And my roommate and me laughed hilariously sampai guling2 atas lantai... but now tak rasa macam funny sangat... in fact, rasa sedih pulak...

Many people said his life was no less a tragedy compared to his death... Hm... I better stop writing now about him now... sebab dah rasa sebak balik...

If he was indeed a Muslim, I pray that his soul is really resting in peace now, together with roh orang2 yg beriman yang lain...

Footnote: by the way, si polan's initial is also MJ, and I used to have a signature at the end of my email, Hani_MJ. And when people asked what does MJ stand for, I'd answer Michael Jackson... :)

Promotion, Amin and Trial....

Hm... I have not been updating my blog for quite some time...

Let me think... what has happened since my last entry...


1. Promotion

I got promoted to Deputy Dean... the faculty has been without a deputy dean for more than a year now and I have been shouldering the responsibility (unofficially, I have not even been appointed as "acting" deputy dean. I just assumed the responsibility whenever necessary and needed. Some suara sumbang and sumbing said that I was overacting. You see, to me the post or title is not important, but the work must get done. So, people can say what they like, they can talk until cows come home, I just do what I feel right).

Finally, the management recognises my contribution and promotes me. Many people congratulate me... but suara sumbang and sumbing still ada. Let them be...

To me this promotion is just a matter of formality, because I have been doing the job anyway for the more than a year already.


2. Dealing with Amin, my second son...

He dropped out of tuition classes... he made the decision on his own. He is sitting for PMR this year... he said the classes are not helping... Dont know what to say... I promised to take him shopping for reference and ulangkaji books for PMR tonight. He said he can do the revision on his own... I guess I just have to trust him.


3. Another day in court...

I lost count already how many times I had to appear at the Syariah Court Shah Alam... Today Muaz and Amin sat in the witness box to testify. So, early in the morning today, their daddy came. I came home from sending Mia and Aqim to school when I heard his voice in my bedroom. He was talking to Amin who slept in my bed last night because I slept in the living room.

He was lecturing Amin on what he should say in court. He said, "kau cakap je kau tak pernah dengar mummy dgn ayah gaduh. dan kau tak pernah nampak ayah pukul mummy"... But suddenly a small voice answered "Nabil nampak..." Hahaha... I couldnt help myself but laugh...

Anyway, in court, the 2 boys really did me proud. They just told the truth. In fact I didnt coach them at all on how and what to answer when the lawyers asked their questions. I just reminded them before we entered the court room "When the lawyers ask you questions, just tell them what you know" and that was just what they did.

Q: Have you heard or seen your parents argue or fight?

A: Yes

Q: When?

A: I dont remember, but it happened many times.

Q: How many times?

A: So many times, I didnt count (Muaz's answer)

A: 3 to 5 times a year (Amin's answer)

Q: Since when do you remember that you saw your parents argued or fought?

A: Since we were small (they both gave the same answer)

Q: Have you ever seen your father hit your mother?

A: Yes

Q: When?

A: Many times

Q: Where?

A: At home, in the living room (Amin's answer)

A: At home, in their bedroom and in the living room (Muaz's answer)

No further question...

The bimbo airhead lawyer that he hired asked them stupid questions that even my boys noticed...

She asked: When your parents argued or fought, did you see who hit who?

Muaz smiled and said: Ayah lah pukul mak...

Even the judge smiled...

Their dad was supposed to bring 2 witnesses too, but he asked for another postponement to prepare his witnesses... he is stalling...

Next trial will be on 27th July for him to bring forward his witnesses and testify himself.

Judge will give his verdict on 22 October...

What a long process...

After the session, I had a talk with my lawyer. I asked him to propose to his lawyer to settle out of court because my lawyer told me not to worry, we are winning the case. All this is just a matter of proceeding... he must have his day in the witness stand to testify and to bring forward his witnesses...

My lawyer said he has tried to propose that but si polan still wished to settle in court...

Tak apalah... I have come this far... another 3 months wont matter...

Monday, June 29, 2009

Long time no new blog entry?

A friend sent a text last night, asking the above question...

Hm... work now is incredibly demanding... I have been promoted last week and the responsibility is more than double what I used to shoulder...

And right now actually I am supposed to go through a file of about 3 inches thick, which I think even if I do not sleep tonight, I still would not be able to finish the report... and I have to present the report tomorrow at 9am...

Adoi...

And about the kemelut of my life... no development just yet... next appearance in court is on 7th July where my boys (Muaz and Amin) will stand as witnesses. And judge will give his verdict on 27th July.

I will leave for umrah, insyaallah (President's Award of Special Recognition that I received for financial year 2007-2008) on 8th August and come back on 20th. I have no choice but to leave the kids under his care in that duration.

Other than that, life goes on as usual...

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Aduhai...

Aduhai...
tak sanggup ku kenangkan
semua telah nyata cintamu gurauan
datang dan hilang semahu hatimu
itulah falsafah pegangan cintamu
namun harus kau ingat
hati yang manakah
selamanya kan sabar...

Friday, June 19, 2009

Jiwa kacau...

On the way to work this morning, I heard this song on the radio...

Oh tak mungkin
tak mungkin aku kembali
oh tak mungkin
tak mungkin ku datang lagi
cukup sudah kau menyakiti hatiku
cukup sudah kau berdusta padaku

Jangan kau datang lagi
jangan kau hirau lagi
diriku ini
tiada sakit hati
tiada arti lagi
walaupun kau sayang pada diriku...


So... I terus teringat pada si polan...


In the afternoon, I had to go back to send one of my boys (Aqim) to school because it was raining heavily (normally he walks to school), and on the way back I heard this song pulak...

Ingin aku mengulangi saat indah waktu dulu
tapi bagaimana dapatkah berulang lagi
bersamalah kita jadikan pengajaran
betapa pedihnya oh perpisahan

Mengapa di waktu ini
aku teringat kembali segala kenangan
adakah engkau pun sama masih ingat kepadaku
seolah kita tak pernah terpisah...


Hm... teringat si polan lagi...


Conclusionnya...

Tak mungkin kerana sayang
cuma terganggu oleh perasaan...

Tak mungkin kerana sayang
cuma kadang kala aku terkenang...


Hm........................

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Fed up...

15th of June 2009 would have been our 18th anniversary... eh, but since we're not officially divorced yet, it was our 18th anniversary...

I didn't expect anything... from him, that is... I didn't expect a wish, jauh sekali a gift...

That fateful Monday morning, I went to work as usual... keje banyak, students were expected to come to re-register on 18 June (today) , so, I was up to my nose with the preparation for that. When I opened my door (office), I noticed a brown envelope on my desk with my name and address handwritten on the front - the way it was written, it was as though the sender copied directly from my business card (because, on my business card, instead of writing my title in front of my name, my title was written under my name). The stamp was Selangor and it was stamped Shah Alam.

Since I had a lot of work to do, I just put the envelope in my in tray, I thought I'd open it later, after I finish doing some urgent things that I needed to submit to VP office that morning.

At almost lunch hour I remembered to open the envelope. The envelope had no return address, no note, no letter, no signature... just two (2) photographs... one was a photo of him and a young woman in what looked like a bus, and one was a photo of that young woman alone.

No, they weren't obscene photos. Just a photo of 2 persons (my soon-to-be-ex-hubby and a young woman) sitting next to each other on a seat in a bus... The photo was not candid or taken without their knowledge because they both were looking at the camera...

I snapped the photo and sent to him via mms, and asked him, who was that woman... and why would the sender post (via post office) that photo to me... know what his answer?

"Abang dah lupa, tak tahu pun nama budak tu.
Abg rasa gambar tu dalam bas tapi tak tahu bila.
Abg pun tak berhubung dengan dia...
kalau tak percaya, call lah dia kalau dia ada
bagi no tel atau alamat..."

Senangnya dia jawab... which of course made me even more suspicious...

How stupid does he think I am?

Dalam dia memujuk dia boleh buat macam ni. I didn't know that I could be this upset... tapi the fact is I was (still am) really upset... entahlah... 18 years of marriage, itu lah storynya... a parade of girls/women... some janda, some very young, some even bini orang... kalau I question sangat... penampar lah jawabnya sampai ke pipi...

The thing is... in the early years of marriage, memang I got so upset when I found out about his insatiable hunger for having more than one woman... he always had 1 or 2 girlfriends beside already having 2 wives... one day I even drove all the way back to Muar to mengadu hal dgn his parents. Of course, needless to say, they sided with their son... I yang tak pandai layan, tak pandai ambil hati suami... bla bla bla...

But, his arwah embah (late grandma) gave me a very sensible advice... She said "org lelaki ni, lagi kita nak control, lagi dia nak bebas. Jadi, jangan pikir apa dia buat kat luar sana tu... bila dia balik... kalau dia balik hidup, beri dia makan. Kalau dia balik sebagai mayat, kapankan..."

Since I had nothing else to hold on to, I held on to that wise words of arwah embah so as to make peace with my own feelings.

But God was really (still is) trying me... I am not the type of wife yang jealous or cemburu buta... since I met his embah, and she gave me that advice, I never bothered anymore with his womanising activities... tapi betina-betina tu pulak yg mencari I... Noli, Su, Deja, Narimah... these four women came looking for me or called me, wanting to find out if what he told them about me was true...

But, when I questioned him, or when I told him, all I got was a slap on my face, a kick or he knocked my head on the table ke... the door ke... the wall ke... what ever was convenient...

I am fed up... I have had it... No more... I dont want this kind of life anymore... I am in control now... I decide what I want in and out of this life...

I AM FED UP

I AM REALLY FED UP

I AM REALLY REALLY FED UP

To the sender of the photos, thank you very very very much. You really went out of your way to make sure that I never forget his true character... Thank you... I owe you the world...

Sunday, June 14, 2009

The night before the first day of school (after a long holiday)..

The night before the first day of school is normally a confession time...

"Mummy... remember when you asked me if I have finished my homework and I said yes? Hm... well... uh... actually... I have one more..."

This happened every time, without fail... and I still fell for it...

And tonight the unfinished homework was Bahasa Arab... for both Nabil and Aqim... alamak... how on earth was I going to help...

So... refer internet, refer text book... bolehlah sikit2... yg mana tak tahu, I hentam je... dgn muka confidence so that the boys pun confident jugak... haha

While helping the boys, I was quite (verbally) abusive towards the ustaz or ustazah...

"Bodoh punya ustaz/ustazah... bagi homework Bahasa Arab suruh budak buat sendiri... manalah budak nak tahu... mak bapak pun macam manalah nak tolong..."

"Ustaz/ustazah kau org ni mesti pemalas..."

I think I am going to see the principal to talk about this issue...

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Bukan jodoh bukan suratan...

Malam tiada berbintang
bayu tidak bertiup
terdirilah istana harapan
di dakapan tempat hamba berpaut
mencurah kasih murni

Bulan di wajah awan
mendung berarak sepi
bunga layu di tapak tangan
embun gugur berderai di pasir
membawa dirinya sendiri

Kiranya hancur hasrat hati
anak nan ini penawar duka
tiada daya menerima budi
dari insan jiwanya sengsara

Kasih berbelah bagi
dua insan bercinta
tinggi gunung harapan di hati
apa daya apalah bicara
bukan jodoh bukan suratan...


This is an old song of the 70s, I think it was sung by A. Razak. I have been humming this song for as long as I can remember, especially when driving at night and the sky is clear and as far as the eyes could see... syahdu... pilu... sayu...

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Izinkan ku pergi...

... Pergilah rinduku hilangkan dirimu
tak sanggup menanggung derita di kalbuku...

... Maafkan daku duhai kasih
izinkan ku pergi...

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

...

... tak perlu engkau tahu rasa rindu ini
dan lagi mungkin kini kau telah bahagia
namun andai kau dengar syair lagu ini
jujur saja aku sangat merindukanmu...

... memang tak pantas menghayal tentang dirimu
sebab kau tak lagi seperti yang dulu
kendati berat rasa rinduku padamu
biarkan ku hadang rinduku terlarang...

...ku puisikan rindu dihatiku
kuharap tiada seorang pun tahu
biar ku simpan saja
biar kupendam sudah
oh terlarang sudah rinduku padamu...

Monday, June 8, 2009

Work and dream and reality...

We are not going anywhere this school holiday... We couldnt go anywhere last week as Muaz and Mia had extra classes because they are sitting for SPM and UPSR respectively, this year. Come to think of it, Amin is also sitting for PMR this year, why didnt he have extra classes? Hm... I think I've been duped...

And I cant take leave this week because this week is filled with meetings... starting with Quarter 2 business plan review today, endorsement of exam result tomorrow, timetable meeting on Wednesday, Faculty potluck on Thursday... Adoi... I get headache just thinking about it... tak larat lah... rasa macam nak quit je...

On my way home after picking up Mia from tuition about half hour ago, I found myself discussing with her about my dream of opening a bookstore... hm... I would open for business everyday at 10 in the morning (which means I can wake up at 9... hehe)... I could just sit and read or blog all day while waiting for customers... is that a dream life or what? hahaha...

Mia asked what would u call the bookstore mummmy? On impulse i said... HANI BOOKS AND TREATS...

Mia asked again, where would you get the money as capital? Again, without giving so much thought, I said... when your daddy pays me the money that he owes me...

At times like this, where office work keeps piling up until people cant see me even if they are standing in front of my desk... that idea is really tempting... hm...

Sunday, June 7, 2009

A pathetic kes of "gila talak" even before the talak is finalised...

Before I went to the wedding that tak pasal2 upset me (told in my previous posting) yesterday, I had breakfast with 3 old friends... we used to work at the same place in the 90s... Shima, Aliza (soon to be Dr Aliza) and Sabariah...

We had breakfast at UiTM hotel... Sabariah's treat... thanks dear friend...

I was so excited when Sabariah called me at 10.30 yesterday (actually she had been trying to reach me since 7 that morning, she even knocked on my door at 7.15, tapi I tido mati... sorry Sab...) I showered and changed for only 10 minutes... hm... that was really a record... hehe... As I left in a hurry I forgot one of my 2 mobile phones. (I have 2 mobiles, one given by my office, one personal and I left the personal one).

When I returned home at 12.30 I saw that I had a message. It was from si polan... "Kat mana?". I didnt bother to reply.

Last night... after spending 5 hours in the little koi pond, with body aching all over, he called and asked why I didnt reply his sms and where I was in the morning. I said I was out having breakfast with some friends... and I just hung up the phone, malas nak dengar whatever else he wanted to say or asked.

This morning, he sent several text messages accusing me of going out with a boyfriend and he even said this "... banyak calun dah tunggu awak ya... saya tahu pakwe lama dah lama menunggu awak dan tak sabar... dah kerap awak berjumpa kan... Sabar kot ya pun..."

This of coz flipped me over, so I replied... "eh, kalau I ni isteri yang jahat etc.. kenapa susah sangat nak lepaskan i? Sedarlah, u lah yang tak bertanggungjawab and you will burn in hell for that"

He didnt reply my sms... lost for words probably... people in my old neighbourhood said he really looks serabut now... macam org gila talak... nak tergelak pulak... gila talak even before talak is finalised...

What women do in the name of love...

School holiday season brings with it wedding bells... I received more than 10 invitations for the 3 weekends of the school holiday this time... I had 3 yesterday and 2 today. But I only went to 1 yesterday and I am not going to any today... Today I just want to golek2 depan tv... hehe...

Actually I originally planned to fulfill all the 3 invitations yesterday because all the 3 were my neighbours - 1 in front, 1 at the back and 1 on the right of my house... imagine that... but I ended up going to one only (the one in the block in front of my house)... why? because I was already emotionally drained...

I know the mother of the bride quite well. She was the assistant at the kindergarten that 2 of my kids went to. It was a grand wedding (maklumlah... menantu pertama...) with 7 large white canopies and red skirtings... the theme was red and white... and I heard it was quite a big "catch" jugak... the groom is someone big at the Selangor stste agency...

When I congratulated the mother of the bride while kissing her cheeks... she said something that baffled me... she said "hm... nampak luar je seronok... dalam hati akak ni Allah saja yang tahu". I looked at her face and didnt say anything as they were many other guests queuing to salam and wish her.

After having lunch.. and it was delicious too, with daging dinding, barbecue chicken, acar, dalca, pajeri... I went into the next door neighbour's house while waiting for the pengantin to arrive... And I told that neighbour (Kak Dah) what the mother of the bride said to me earlier... what I heard really surprised me...

The beautiful bride, whom I have known since she was a little girl, is marrying a married man... but that's not the surprise part... the surprise part is that the man she is marrying just took his first wife 3 months ago and all the three of them (the man, the first wife and the second wife) work in the same office...

When I heard all these, the first question that came out of my mouth was... How could that happen because as I knew it they got engaged a year ago? As it turned out, the first wife was his old girlfriend who reappeared after he got engaged to the second wife...

And my second question was how could Kak Siti (mother of the bride) let her beautiful daughter marry that two-timing man?... Kak Dah said, her parents and adik2 all tried to talk her out of the marriage but she said she didnt care... she loved him so much that she'd rather die if she could not marry him... and I said to myself... where have I heard that before...

Hm... what women do in the name of love...

So, instead of going to the two other weddings in that same neighbourhood yesterday... I went straight home... dont knowlah... I feel sakit hati tak pasal2... to lepaskan my tension, I ended up spending 5 hours cleaning my koi pond... and in the end I couldnt sleep last night sebab sakit2 satu badan...

(Sigh........)

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Spring... Autumn... and heat spell...

I was reading a friend's blog today where she posted pictures of flowers that she took in her European tour recently.

As I was clicking photo after photo after photo I found myself humming this old song that I liked so much when I was in secondary school in Ipoh. I suddenly remember one teachers' day celebration where a teacher (I forgot her name, but I remember she was very pretty) sang that song. I think that was in 1978 or 79 (alamak, tuanya rasa).

She sang it minus-1 but the whole hall was at awe and so mesmerized with her good, sweet voice yang mendayu-dayu... so bak buluh perindu...

I tried to google the song but to no avail... :( simply because I dont remember the title. But I remember the singer: Tia Ramon...

I still remember the lyrics:

Bila musim bunga tiba
halaman ku indah berseri
penuh bunga sungguh mempesona
riang hati melihatnya

Bila musim gugur tiba
bunga jatuh ke bumi juga
hati ku pun hiba melihatnya
nasib bunga tiada lama

Begitu juga insan
hidupnya seperti roda
tak ubahnya bak bunga
bila layu tak berharga

Sadarlah kau wahai bunga
tika mekar banyak yang memuja
bila layu dikau tak berharga
nasib bunga tiada lama...


While we are talking about season... hm... bila lah musim panas ni nak end... My son has a theory on this heat spell that we are facing now... he said, since we have school holidays now, many couples are getting married. To make sure it wont rain on their wedding, they call bomoh to tahan the hujan... hahaha... logik jugak tu...

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

1982-2009 and counting...




Date: 30 May 2009
Place: Taman Melawati
Occasion: Second reunion

Misconception...

My previous posting has given my "silent" or "private" followers the idea that "that" was the reason for my applying for divorce...

My response was "Oh God no... not in the least"...

These two incidents (the deterioration of my marriage and the rediscovery of the long lost sweetheart) were totally independent of each other.

The cause of me falling out of love (with my soon-to-be-ex-husband) was his ultra extreme and humongous ego that had to be fed by slapping me around in the presence of his kids (from his other marriage) in an almost daily basis.

It is just a coincidence that at the time that the condition of my homefront became unbearable to me that the man from my past appeared. I'd be lying if I said that the encounter did not have any effect on me... But it was more like a walk in a memory lane... Talking about good memories is nice, but as we went on talking about the past, the not-so-good memories also surfaced and somehow that also reminded us the reason we had to go separate ways more than 20 years ago...

So, dear readers, please do not misunderstand me... I am not out of my mind, I am not a naive teenager... I am still sane, and this is not a Mills and Boon or a Norhayati Berahim novel. This is a true life story of an almost middle aged woman who is right now facing the most trying time of her life... A woman who is trying very hard to make a new beginning in her life fighting the unfair and biased system of the Syariah Court and the man who up till now is still refusing to let her go...

Hm... why do I need to explain this?... I dont know... I just feel that I have to...

Monday, June 1, 2009

Lost and found... and lost again...

A life time ago I met someone and fell in love... but the timing, the place and the overall circumstances forced us to part our ways... I lost him...

Two or three years ago, I found him... after more than 20 years... after what seemed to be a life time... We met a few times, we talked about the past, the present... did we talk about the future? Hm... I don't think so... because deep in our hearts we knew we did not have a future... together that is...

We continued sending sms, emails and occasionally we chatted over the net. We continued talking about the past as though it was the present... and the way we talked, one might have thought that we were a couple of teenagers...

He made me feel special and missed... God... he really made me feel ultra special...

All the while I kept thinking the reason why we were destined to meet again...

And today I found the answer... so that we could say proper goodbyes... so that we would have a proper closure... You see, we had this pact that every time we parted ways, we were not supposed to say "goodbye", we were just to say "see you later"...

So... if you are reading this, this is my goodbye to you... remember, no regrets? Nope, none whatsoever... oh, maybe except one...

Goodbye...

So, the story that began with "once upon a life time" is now ending with "lost, found and lost again"...

A weekend that deviates from the norm...

I normally like a quiet and peaceful weekend so that I could rest, relax and recharge my mind and body. I even do my grocery shopping (every 2 weeks) on Friday night so that my saturday and sunday can be spent for reading, writing and watching TV.

But last weekend was exceptional. I went to a wedding on Saturday afternoon at Section 7 (my neighbour did her daughter's wedding reception at the Pusat Belia and Kebudayaan, Section 7, Shah Alam). Later that same afternoon, I went to a friend's house in Taman Melawati, where we had a not-so-called planned reunion. The last time we met was Feb 2007. And then on Sunday I went to a housewarming party of a friend also in Section 7, Shah Alam. To end the "perfect" weekend, I took the kids to a movie at Bukit Raja TGV. We went at 7.30pm to catch the 9.15pm slot, but tickets were all sold out, so we ended up watching the 11.00pm slot. The movie? Syurga Cinta. My comment? Hm... I have seen better (Malay) movies...

So... even though today is Monday, I feel like it is already Wednesday or Thursday...

Sigh........

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Bangang tahap infinity...

Things haven't changed... my patience is running thin... my sanity is compromised...

Arghhh!!! How do I get through to him that I really really really want out!!!

I was really tired of fighting/shouting/crying... so I told him that I didn't want to fight anymore, I wanted a truce... but he took it wrongly... he thought I wanted to get back together with him... sigh... Bangang tahap infinity...

Letihlah...

Really really really letih... and tak kuasa...

Monday, May 25, 2009

Can't sleep...

I yawn and yawn until my eyes are all teary... but I can't fall asleep...

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Just once...



Another all time favourite...

Cinta...



My all time favourite ever since i was in primary school...

Selamat tinggal....

Terlarang sudah rinduku padamu...



Once upon a life time...

Tak mungkin kerna sayang...



Tak mungkin kerana sayang
cuma terganggu oleh perasaan...

Tak mungkin kerana sayang
hanya kadang kala aku terkenang...

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Hati yang terluka....



Kau yang telah membuat luka di hatiku
Kau yang telah membuat janji-janji palsu
Kau yang selama ini aku sayangi
Kau merubah cintaku jadi benci...

Cuts like a knife...



Knife... cuts like a knife
How will I ever heal
I'm so deeply wounded...

Dingin... Biarkan aku beralah...




Dinginnya bila kau berkata
ruang buatku tiada
memoriku genggamilah
biarkan aku beralah.....

The beauty of broadband...

I woke up this morning and didnt feel like going to work... So, I called my boss told him that I'm not coming to the office today. But I'll still do my work at home...

That's the beauty of broadband... you can be sitting anywhere (your kitchen table, living room, or even by your koi pond) yet you can still function like you are in the office - do your work and meet deadline...

In fact I think today I accomplished more things than I would have if I am in the office. I have no distraction at home, kids are all in school, I have the whole house to myself. If only my employer let me work from home everyday... or at least 2 or 3 days a week, especially on days that I dont have to meet clients (students)...

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Cinta yang cukup sampai di sini...

Mencoba untuk fahami
mencari celah hatimu
bila harus menangis aku kan menangis
namun air mata ini telah habis

Segalanya telah kuberikan
tapi kau tak pernah ada perhatian
mungkin kita harus jalani
cinta memang cukup sampai di sini

Mencoba untuk rasuki
menyentuh palung jiwamu
bila harus menghiba, aku kan menghiba
namun rasa ini telah sampai di ujung lelahku

Segalanya telah kuberikan
tapi kau tak pernah ada perhatian
mungkin kita harus jalani
cinta memang cukup sampai di sini

Note: I was googling for a song by Malek Redzuan "Cukup sampai di sini" when I found this lyrics of Indonesian song...

Separate Lives

He was already in front of my house when I came home from work today. Like always, his normal script: "Apa kabar sayang? Sayang sihat?" Pergh!!! Bak kata Sarimah AF Diary... Menanah telinga dengar... hahaha...

He stayed until almost 10pm. Like the previous night and the night before that... his reason for coming is the same... to pujuk... I told him again... (and this time I managed to keep my cool)...

I said: Let the court decide...

He said: Please retract the taklik suit, I promise our life will change...

I said: No, let's just wait for the court's decision, ok... I am not changing my mind...

He pleaded and pleaded some more, but I just ignored him... while this song kept playing over and over in my head... hm...


Separate Lives - Phil Collins

You called me from the room in your hotel
All full of romance for someone that you met
And telling me how sorry you were, leaving so soon
And that you miss me sometimes when youre alone in your room
Do I feel lonely too?

You have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
We cant go on just holding on to time
Now that were living separate lives

Well I held on to let you go
And if you lost your love for me, well you never let it show
There was no way to compromise
So now were living (living)
Separate lives

Ooh, its so typical, love leads to isolation
So you build that wall (build that wall)
Yes, you build that wall (build that wall)
And you make it stronger

Well you have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
Some day I might (I might) find myself looking in your eyes
But for now, well go on living separate lives
Yes for now, well go on living separate lives
Separate lives