Fed up...

15th of June 2009 would have been our 18th anniversary... eh, but since we're not officially divorced yet, it was our 18th anniversary...

I didn't expect anything... from him, that is... I didn't expect a wish, jauh sekali a gift...

That fateful Monday morning, I went to work as usual... keje banyak, students were expected to come to re-register on 18 June (today) , so, I was up to my nose with the preparation for that. When I opened my door (office), I noticed a brown envelope on my desk with my name and address handwritten on the front - the way it was written, it was as though the sender copied directly from my business card (because, on my business card, instead of writing my title in front of my name, my title was written under my name). The stamp was Selangor and it was stamped Shah Alam.

Since I had a lot of work to do, I just put the envelope in my in tray, I thought I'd open it later, after I finish doing some urgent things that I needed to submit to VP office that morning.

At almost lunch hour I remembered to open the envelope. The envelope had no return address, no note, no letter, no signature... just two (2) photographs... one was a photo of him and a young woman in what looked like a bus, and one was a photo of that young woman alone.

No, they weren't obscene photos. Just a photo of 2 persons (my soon-to-be-ex-hubby and a young woman) sitting next to each other on a seat in a bus... The photo was not candid or taken without their knowledge because they both were looking at the camera...

I snapped the photo and sent to him via mms, and asked him, who was that woman... and why would the sender post (via post office) that photo to me... know what his answer?

"Abang dah lupa, tak tahu pun nama budak tu.
Abg rasa gambar tu dalam bas tapi tak tahu bila.
Abg pun tak berhubung dengan dia...
kalau tak percaya, call lah dia kalau dia ada
bagi no tel atau alamat..."

Senangnya dia jawab... which of course made me even more suspicious...

How stupid does he think I am?

Dalam dia memujuk dia boleh buat macam ni. I didn't know that I could be this upset... tapi the fact is I was (still am) really upset... entahlah... 18 years of marriage, itu lah storynya... a parade of girls/women... some janda, some very young, some even bini orang... kalau I question sangat... penampar lah jawabnya sampai ke pipi...

The thing is... in the early years of marriage, memang I got so upset when I found out about his insatiable hunger for having more than one woman... he always had 1 or 2 girlfriends beside already having 2 wives... one day I even drove all the way back to Muar to mengadu hal dgn his parents. Of course, needless to say, they sided with their son... I yang tak pandai layan, tak pandai ambil hati suami... bla bla bla...

But, his arwah embah (late grandma) gave me a very sensible advice... She said "org lelaki ni, lagi kita nak control, lagi dia nak bebas. Jadi, jangan pikir apa dia buat kat luar sana tu... bila dia balik... kalau dia balik hidup, beri dia makan. Kalau dia balik sebagai mayat, kapankan..."

Since I had nothing else to hold on to, I held on to that wise words of arwah embah so as to make peace with my own feelings.

But God was really (still is) trying me... I am not the type of wife yang jealous or cemburu buta... since I met his embah, and she gave me that advice, I never bothered anymore with his womanising activities... tapi betina-betina tu pulak yg mencari I... Noli, Su, Deja, Narimah... these four women came looking for me or called me, wanting to find out if what he told them about me was true...

But, when I questioned him, or when I told him, all I got was a slap on my face, a kick or he knocked my head on the table ke... the door ke... the wall ke... what ever was convenient...

I am fed up... I have had it... No more... I dont want this kind of life anymore... I am in control now... I decide what I want in and out of this life...

I AM FED UP

I AM REALLY FED UP

I AM REALLY REALLY FED UP

To the sender of the photos, thank you very very very much. You really went out of your way to make sure that I never forget his true character... Thank you... I owe you the world...