Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Hilangkanlah segalanya...




Sudah cukup hatiku dilukai
sekian lama rasa tak dihargai
sampai bila harus aku menanti
saat indah setelah dikau pergi
inginku hapus semua
rasa mencengkam ini
hanya padamu ku meminta
aku pasrah

hilangkan rasa gundahku
hilangkan rasa dukaku
hilangkanlah segalanya
ku tak ingin sakit lagi

hilangkan kekosonganku
hilangkan keasinganku
hilangkanlah segalanya
ku tak ingin lara lagi

hilangkan rasa gundahku
hilangkan rasa dukaku
hilangkanlah segalanya
ku tak ingin sakit lagi

hilangkan kekosonganku
hilangkan keasinganku
hilangkanlah segalanya
ku tak ingin lara lagi

hilangkanlah segalanya

ku menanti saat sinar mentari
ku menanti cahaya dalam hati
inginku gapai bintang yang gemerlapan
agar terang jiwa yang kegelapan
inginku hapus semua
rasa mencengkam ini
hanya padamu ku meminta
aku pasrah

Monday, July 27, 2009

Another day in court...

Another day in court...

Originally, today was supposed to be the day that the judge gives his verdict... but since he didnt bring his witnesses in the last trial, he was given today to produce his witnesses, and the day that the judge puts down his gavel was moved to 22nd Oct...

But what do u know... he tried to pull his stunt again today...

He has made a decision to not give his statement in the witness stand, but instead submitted an affidavit to the court a few days ago. But suddenly today he requested to give an oral testimony to add to his affidavit. My lawyer quickly objected because there is a section, 116(1) I think, that said when an affidavit has already been submitted, any additions must be done in writing too, not orally in court.

When my lawyer objected and the judge accepted, his lawyer requested that the additions to be submitted in the next trial and another date shall be chosen for the judge to give his decision. To this, my lawyer again objected and said, he should submit the additions by 31st July and the 22nd Oct still remains as the date for the verdict.

Fortunately, the judge agreed. Phuh... so 22nd Oct it is....

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Too little too late...

Sayang semuanya sudah terlambat
Tak guna engkau kesalkan lagi
Sayang semuanya sudah terlambat
Biarkan aku membawa diri

Berulang kali kau ulangi kesilapanmu
Diriku hanyalah sandaran cinta sementara

Mengapa engkau tak setia dalam percintaan
Terhempas aku bagaikan kaca berderai
Selepas itu kau menyesali

Sayang semuanya sudah terlambat
Tak guna engkau tangiskan lagi
Sayang semuanya sudah terlambat
Anggaplah aku tiada lagi

Terlanjur luka biarlah hatiku terluka
Apa terjadi biarkan kutanggung sendiri...

Monday, July 20, 2009

Disebut diingat jangan...

Setitis embun menitis
seribu kuntum mengembang
sepatah aku berjanji
kau sebut kau ulang-ulang

Membasah hujan membatu
meresap ditelan bumi
segala sumpah janjimu
tak satu yang kau tepati

Tiada tuntutan tiada ungkitan
bagimu tuan
kurela dilupakan
ku diumpat jangan
dikenang jangan

Berlalu kisah di taman
bak mimpi diganggu siang
disebut diingat jangan
tak guna dikenang-kenang...

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Bila kukenang kurenung...

Bila kukenang kurenung
remuk redam rasa tak tertanggung
harapan bahagia nan membumbung
terhempas hanyut terapung...

Harapan untuk bersama
mendirikan mahligai istana (not sure this line)
.....................(dont remember this line)
kiranya tak terlaksana...

Harapam ku kecewa
dalam ....... manis kata-kata (dont remember the second word of this line)
dengan pujukan yang hanya dusta
aku terpedaya

Alam keliling membisu
tak sepatah kata yang merayu
hanya aku menanggung duka pilu
tak seorang pun yang tahu....

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Remembering arwah mak...

My mom, Allahyarhamah Hajah Zainab binti Haji Abdul Hamid, passed away 6 years ago in July at Putrajaya Hospital, after slipping into comma (for 2 months) during PD (peritoneal dialysis) at HTAR Klang due to septicemia...

My thoughts are on her all day today...

Monday, July 13, 2009

LA ILAHA ILLA ANTA SUBHANAKA INNI KUNTU MINAZ ZALIMEEN

LA ILAHA ILLA ANTA SUBHANAKA INNI KUNTU MINAZ ZALIMEEN

LA ILAHA ILLA ANTA SUBHANAKA INNI KUNTU MINAZ ZALIMEEN

LA ILAHA ILLA ANTA SUBHANAKA INNI KUNTU MINAZ ZALIMEEN

LA ILAHA ILLA ANTA SUBHANAKA INNI KUNTU MINAZ ZALIMEEN

LA ILAHA ILLA ANTA SUBHANAKA INNI KUNTU MINAZ ZALIMEEN

LA ILAHA ILLA ANTA SUBHANAKA INNI KUNTU MINAZ ZALIMEEN

LA ILAHA ILLA ANTA SUBHANAKA INNI KUNTU MINAZ ZALIMEEN

There's no end to his cruelty...

Ever since I moved out of that God forsaken house 20th Ramadhan last year, I almost never received any letter or bill at this new house... Not TM bill, not Celcom bill, not a bank statement... Oh, but I did receive occasionally my electric and water bills.

And because of that, I often forget to pay those bills. And when I finally received them, the amount would triple of quadruple... which made me wait to pay them...

Today, when I came home from work about 7.30pm, the kids told me their dad gave them a pink form that notified the water supply has been cut. The pink notice was dated 11 July (last Saturday), the reminder was that the water supply will be cut on the 13th (today) if I dont make any payment...

The water supply has been cut!!! Imagine, living without water supply with 5 kids...

I know what is on his mind. He thinks that I would ask to go use the bathroom of that house now that my house does not have water supply. I am sure that house is loaded with bomoh stuff to "lock" me inside once I enter...

Bodoh!!!

Know this!!! I hate you even more now!!! I hate you!!! I hate you!!! I hate you!!!

I am not stupid!!! You jawa gila setan!!!

Aku benci kau!!! Aku benci kau!!!

LA ILAHA ILLA ANTA SUBHANAKA INNI KUNTU MINAZ ZALIMEEN

Lost and not found yet...

Strange thing happened yesterday...

I found that my IC and driver license were missing... all my other cards were there in my purse, except the 2 documents... Hm...

kemaafan... dendam yang terindah...

I have heard it a few times, I have read it more than once, I even bought a malay novel with that title... and I think there's also a song by Aishah...

Forgiveness is such sweet vengeance...

They say when the people who have wronged you ask for forgiveness, it is actually very satisfying to look them in the eye and say "Oh.. that's ok, I have forgiven you long ago..."

Hm... ye ke? because to me right now, right this minute, I do not (yet) have the intention of forgiving him and his daughter and son for what they did to me. Because I am afraid that if I forgive him, I would forget his cruelty and if I forget I might repeat the same mistake of going back to him...

In my heart and possibly in my brain right now I want them to pay for what they have done to me. I want them to feel what I feel... especially his daughter, I even make doa to God that some day when she is married her husband would do to her what her father did to me ...

Am I evil for thinking this way?

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Accident

While I was checking my emails and blogs, Nabil came back running

"Mummy! Mummy!Mummy! Ada budak kena langgar!"

Soon after that I heard a screeching (Aqim's bicycle)... again...

"Mummy! Mummy! Ada budak kena langgar... kepala dia kena gelek melekat kat bawah tayar. Orang ramai-ramai kena angkat kereta tu, tangan budak tu tepuk2 jalan..."

Aqim told me that he witnessed the whole accident...

It must have been one of my neighbour's kids... adoi kesian...

Thursday, July 9, 2009

The day after...

I have to postpone the Umrah trip to next year...

The day after the trial (yesterday), he came to my house early morning, after the children have gone to school (except Nabil).

It looked like his head was about to blow with him breathing heavily, his eyes red, and he was pacing back and forth in the living room... he was still in the same shirt that he wore to the court the day before.

He accused me of teaching the boys to lie... he said some very nasty things with nasty words and gestures (which I do not feel like repeating them here) that I thought he was going to whack me and murder me right here in my own living room. As he went on and on cursing me, I imagined myself lying in the middle of living room in a pool of blood lifeless when my children found me when they come home from school. It was really an eerie feeling...

But he left eventually... thank God...

But before he left he told me to not ever ask for anything from him anymore... not even to pick up the children from school if I come home late from work... not even when I have to go outstation...

So... that's why I have to postpone the Umrah trip...

I will go next year, insyaAllah, when Muaz will already be 18. And I can ship the children to my sister's house in Perak, let them ponteng sekolah for 2 weeks. I cant do that this year because 3 of them are sitting for major exams this year - Mia UPSR, Amin PMR and Muaz SPM.

Humming...

On my way home from work today, I found myself humming an old song... I didnt even know that I knew the song. What was even funnier (or creepier) was that I remembered all the lyrics except for one line... and I didnt remember the singer...

Here's the song:

Tinggallah mustika hati
izinku bermohon diri
Usah dikesalkan lagi
peristiwa yang telah terjadi

Airmata dan rayuan
tiada meninggalkan kesan
hatiku telah kau korban
..................(this is the line that I didnt remember)

Aku hanyalah insan
tak berdaya menghadapi rencana
namun aku bersyukur kepadanya
andai ini suratannya

Cintamu tiada lagi
hatiku terbiar sepi
biarkan ku bawa pergi
kan ku cari penawar yang suci...

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

MJ oh MJ...

I am staying up waiting for the live telecast of MJ's memorial service...

I am not his biggest fan, but believe it or not, I rasa sebak when I heard the news of his death on the radio...

Probably because I grew up with his songs... I first saw him as a flat-nosed black boy singing with his brothers in the 70s. I was in a boarding school at that time, and the show was on Saturday evening if my memory doesnt fail me... I'd be sitting in the front row of the TV hall and I'd be singing along with him...

As a student in the US, in the 80s, I witnessed his transformation from black to brown to white... I was in my freshman year when the video clip thriller was released... and I knew (still know) almost all the steps of the dance... hahaha...

And I also remember this... when he turned 30, a radio DJ said this:

"Today Michael Jackson turns 30, but his voice turns 13, his nose turns 3" And my roommate and me laughed hilariously sampai guling2 atas lantai... but now tak rasa macam funny sangat... in fact, rasa sedih pulak...

Many people said his life was no less a tragedy compared to his death... Hm... I better stop writing now about him now... sebab dah rasa sebak balik...

If he was indeed a Muslim, I pray that his soul is really resting in peace now, together with roh orang2 yg beriman yang lain...

Footnote: by the way, si polan's initial is also MJ, and I used to have a signature at the end of my email, Hani_MJ. And when people asked what does MJ stand for, I'd answer Michael Jackson... :)

Promotion, Amin and Trial....

Hm... I have not been updating my blog for quite some time...

Let me think... what has happened since my last entry...


1. Promotion

I got promoted to Deputy Dean... the faculty has been without a deputy dean for more than a year now and I have been shouldering the responsibility (unofficially, I have not even been appointed as "acting" deputy dean. I just assumed the responsibility whenever necessary and needed. Some suara sumbang and sumbing said that I was overacting. You see, to me the post or title is not important, but the work must get done. So, people can say what they like, they can talk until cows come home, I just do what I feel right).

Finally, the management recognises my contribution and promotes me. Many people congratulate me... but suara sumbang and sumbing still ada. Let them be...

To me this promotion is just a matter of formality, because I have been doing the job anyway for the more than a year already.


2. Dealing with Amin, my second son...

He dropped out of tuition classes... he made the decision on his own. He is sitting for PMR this year... he said the classes are not helping... Dont know what to say... I promised to take him shopping for reference and ulangkaji books for PMR tonight. He said he can do the revision on his own... I guess I just have to trust him.


3. Another day in court...

I lost count already how many times I had to appear at the Syariah Court Shah Alam... Today Muaz and Amin sat in the witness box to testify. So, early in the morning today, their daddy came. I came home from sending Mia and Aqim to school when I heard his voice in my bedroom. He was talking to Amin who slept in my bed last night because I slept in the living room.

He was lecturing Amin on what he should say in court. He said, "kau cakap je kau tak pernah dengar mummy dgn ayah gaduh. dan kau tak pernah nampak ayah pukul mummy"... But suddenly a small voice answered "Nabil nampak..." Hahaha... I couldnt help myself but laugh...

Anyway, in court, the 2 boys really did me proud. They just told the truth. In fact I didnt coach them at all on how and what to answer when the lawyers asked their questions. I just reminded them before we entered the court room "When the lawyers ask you questions, just tell them what you know" and that was just what they did.

Q: Have you heard or seen your parents argue or fight?

A: Yes

Q: When?

A: I dont remember, but it happened many times.

Q: How many times?

A: So many times, I didnt count (Muaz's answer)

A: 3 to 5 times a year (Amin's answer)

Q: Since when do you remember that you saw your parents argued or fought?

A: Since we were small (they both gave the same answer)

Q: Have you ever seen your father hit your mother?

A: Yes

Q: When?

A: Many times

Q: Where?

A: At home, in the living room (Amin's answer)

A: At home, in their bedroom and in the living room (Muaz's answer)

No further question...

The bimbo airhead lawyer that he hired asked them stupid questions that even my boys noticed...

She asked: When your parents argued or fought, did you see who hit who?

Muaz smiled and said: Ayah lah pukul mak...

Even the judge smiled...

Their dad was supposed to bring 2 witnesses too, but he asked for another postponement to prepare his witnesses... he is stalling...

Next trial will be on 27th July for him to bring forward his witnesses and testify himself.

Judge will give his verdict on 22 October...

What a long process...

After the session, I had a talk with my lawyer. I asked him to propose to his lawyer to settle out of court because my lawyer told me not to worry, we are winning the case. All this is just a matter of proceeding... he must have his day in the witness stand to testify and to bring forward his witnesses...

My lawyer said he has tried to propose that but si polan still wished to settle in court...

Tak apalah... I have come this far... another 3 months wont matter...