Bangang tahap infinity...

Things haven't changed... my patience is running thin... my sanity is compromised...

Arghhh!!! How do I get through to him that I really really really want out!!!

I was really tired of fighting/shouting/crying... so I told him that I didn't want to fight anymore, I wanted a truce... but he took it wrongly... he thought I wanted to get back together with him... sigh... Bangang tahap infinity...

Letihlah...

Really really really letih... and tak kuasa...

Can't sleep...

I yawn and yawn until my eyes are all teary... but I can't fall asleep...

Just once...

Another all time favourite...

Cinta...

My all time favourite ever since i was in primary school...

Selamat tinggal....

Terlarang sudah rinduku padamu...

Once upon a life time...

Tak mungkin kerna sayang...

Tak mungkin kerana sayang
cuma terganggu oleh perasaan...

Tak mungkin kerana sayang
hanya kadang kala aku terkenang...

Hati yang terluka....

Kau yang telah membuat luka di hatiku
Kau yang telah membuat janji-janji palsu
Kau yang selama ini aku sayangi
Kau merubah cintaku jadi benci...

Cuts like a knife...

Knife... cuts like a knife
How will I ever heal
I'm so deeply wounded...

Dingin... Biarkan aku beralah...

Dinginnya bila kau berkata
ruang buatku tiada
memoriku genggamilah
biarkan aku beralah.....

The beauty of broadband...

I woke up this morning and didnt feel like going to work... So, I called my boss told him that I'm not coming to the office today. But I'll still do my work at home...

That's the beauty of broadband... you can be sitting anywhere (your kitchen table, living room, or even by your koi pond) yet you can still function like you are in the office - do your work and meet deadline...

In fact I think today I accomplished more things than I would have if I am in the office. I have no distraction at home, kids are all in school, I have the whole house to myself. If only my employer let me work from home everyday... or at least 2 or 3 days a week, especially on days that I dont have to meet clients (students)...

Cinta yang cukup sampai di sini...

Mencoba untuk fahami
mencari celah hatimu
bila harus menangis aku kan menangis
namun air mata ini telah habis

Segalanya telah kuberikan
tapi kau tak pernah ada perhatian
mungkin kita harus jalani
cinta memang cukup sampai di sini

Mencoba untuk rasuki
menyentuh palung jiwamu
bila harus menghiba, aku kan menghiba
namun rasa ini telah sampai di ujung lelahku

Segalanya telah kuberikan
tapi kau tak pernah ada perhatian
mungkin kita harus jalani
cinta memang cukup sampai di sini

Note: I was googling for a song by Malek Redzuan "Cukup sampai di sini" when I found this lyrics of Indonesian song...

Separate Lives

He was already in front of my house when I came home from work today. Like always, his normal script: "Apa kabar sayang? Sayang sihat?" Pergh!!! Bak kata Sarimah AF Diary... Menanah telinga dengar... hahaha...

He stayed until almost 10pm. Like the previous night and the night before that... his reason for coming is the same... to pujuk... I told him again... (and this time I managed to keep my cool)...

I said: Let the court decide...

He said: Please retract the taklik suit, I promise our life will change...

I said: No, let's just wait for the court's decision, ok... I am not changing my mind...

He pleaded and pleaded some more, but I just ignored him... while this song kept playing over and over in my head... hm...


Separate Lives - Phil Collins

You called me from the room in your hotel
All full of romance for someone that you met
And telling me how sorry you were, leaving so soon
And that you miss me sometimes when youre alone in your room
Do I feel lonely too?

You have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
We cant go on just holding on to time
Now that were living separate lives

Well I held on to let you go
And if you lost your love for me, well you never let it show
There was no way to compromise
So now were living (living)
Separate lives

Ooh, its so typical, love leads to isolation
So you build that wall (build that wall)
Yes, you build that wall (build that wall)
And you make it stronger

Well you have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
Some day I might (I might) find myself looking in your eyes
But for now, well go on living separate lives
Yes for now, well go on living separate lives
Separate lives

A song that sums up my feelings...

Biarlah jauh dari pandangan
Daripada dekat penuh seksa
Biar berduka biar melara
Dari sengketa sepanjang masa
Janganlah engkau harapkan
Ku menghambakan diri

Nanti kau tahu ertinya sepi
Bagaikan pisau menghiris api
Nanti kau tahu ertinya rindu
Bagai tertusuk duri sembilu
Batin akan tersiksa
Jasad pasti merana
olehnya.....

--- Ekamatra

Happy Teachers' Day...

I still remember the song (partial) that I sang on teachers' day celebration when I was in primary school.

Di sini tempat aku menunggu kawan
kawan-kawan sama sekolah
sama-sama belajar

Di sini tempat aku menuntut ilmu
membaca menulis mengira
dengan panduan guru

Sampai di sekolah
kami selalu riang
berjumpa guru
selamat pagi cikgu

Lalalalalalalalalala

I received tons of wishes from ex students, current students and friends.

Among wishes/greetings that I received:

Without Teachers, dayz are
SADDAY
MOANDAY
TEARSDAY
WASTEDAY
THIRSTDAY
FIGHTDAY
SHATTERDAY...

so... Happy Teachers' Day ---- From Rose


Here's another one:

Dalam ajarnya ada harapan
dalam tegurnya ada doa
dalam marahnya ada sayang
dalam diamnya ada bijaksana
selangkah kakimu ke kuliah
insyaAllah 10 langkahNya datang kepadamu
Andai mahu kaya raya
menjadi guru bukan bidangnya
Sekali menjadi guru
selamanya menjadi guru
p/s sori, tak ada hari lecturer, tapi lecturer pun guru jugak... guru yang lebih tinggi tarafnya... From Najiha Sudin


Thank you Rose, thank you Jiha... and about 1000 more well wishers... I love you all...

SMS from his daughter...

These are text messages from his daughter to me. Pay attention to the language that she uses:

1. Memang rumah ni ada nama ko tp xda hitam putih yg mengatakan aku xblh duduk. Atau ko ni nk blk dduk umah ni tp disbbkn ko malu dgn aku ko suh aku keluar. Ko suruh aku klur tp ko yg klur dulu dr aku kn. Ko nI sengal blh tahan.

2. Ko adalah syaitan b'topengkn manusia.

3. Ko sengal sgt smpi xblh pk bwk kes smpi mahkamah tp t'malu sendiri. Tuham xkabulkan doa pempuan mcm ko...

4. Kau sebg isteri yg xpandai menguruskan rumahtangga, makan pakai laki kau ada kau jaga sekarang? Sdangkn kau masih bini dia yang sah. Aku dan mak aku xsuruh ayh ceraikn kau, tapi kau yg sebok mintak cerai.

I replied to her just to ask for her IC No so that I could call her to be a witness in my next trial... that shut her up...

To this girl, I have only one thing to say...

AKU HARAP KAU AKAN DAPAT SUAMI LEBIH TERUK DARI BAPAK KAU...

Old frens...

While trying to locate photos of my kids on their sports day recently, I found this photo which was taken on Chinese New Year 2007. We went to the same university in New York in the 1980s...

One battle won... when will I win the war?

Oh my God... he is really desperate... he came again yesterday morning... and the drama continues... the apology, the promises, the regrets...

One of his promises was: I'll never hurt you again...

My answer: I know, because I will never let you hurt me again...

So pathetic... and today things got worse because his daughter (from the other marriage) who is now staying with him in the other house (the house that I co-own with him and helped pay some RM68,400 for it) got involved.

So... needless to say, hell broke loose, I threatened her if she didnt move out that very same day I would go there and kill her myself. Yes, I said that. And what do you know... I went to spotcheck at 7pm and she was really gone, together with all her things. Hah!!! I got the message across. But she sent several nasty sms... adressing me as "kau"... oh well I didnt expect her to have manners, her mother had no culture as well... nope... none whatsover...

At least I won this time. But I told him, it doesnt change a thing... Though I felt a bit teeny weeny sorry for him, he has two wives but he is sleeping alone every night... hah!!! padan muka!!!

Three phases revisited.... back to phase 2...

Phase 1 - when he first received summon from court - angry, blamed it all on me - he slapped me because I provoked him..., I was a no good wife. He even filed a defense by using these statements:

a) plaintive (that's me) has failed in her duties as a wife... (gagal menjalankan tanggungjawab sebagai seorang isteri...)
b) plaintive is an arrogant and egoistic due to her work and position... (angkuh dan sombong kerana kerja dan pangkatnya...)
c) plaintive always provoked defendant... (selalu bersikap provokatif...)
d) defendant never used bad words or remarks... (defenden tidak pernah menggunakan kata-kata kesat...)

These are blatant lies by the way...

Phase 2 - after second appearance - he became sad and very apologetic, and tried all ways to pujuk me... In the second court appearance, my lawyer used his statements (of defense above) to assert the fact that he did not deny the argument that lead to him hitting me, did happen on the stipulated date. Though I wanted so much to reply the statements to have the court to record that he had made false statements, my lawyer insisted that, that was not necessary.

Phase 3 - after 3rd appearance in court - indifferent, ignored me... always used these phrases: "let the court decide...." or "wait for the court's decision"... or "kan you dah file kan kat mahkamah... tunggu je lah"...

BUT

starting Wednesday (after 5th court appearance), he suddenly moved back to phase 2. Aik? How come? Ha....

Because... he realised that I am winning the case... it has dawned on him that the lawyer he hired is a dumb bimbo... a stupid young lawyer who will take any case regardless of chances of winning as long as the client pays...

My lawyer (a 60 year old man) said that, that if it was him, he would not have taken his (my soon-to-be-ex) case, because actually there is no case at all for him. When we discussed about what happened during the cross examination last Tuesday, he said that I should be thankful for the line of questionings that his lawyer put forward to me. Because they were all self-damaging to him and helping me strengthen my case. Hm... he even said that may be it was done deliberately... Hmmm...

Back to him jumping from phase 3 back to phase 2...

When he was in phase 3, he addressed me as "awak" and himself as "saya". But now that he has switched back to phase 2, he reverted back to "honey" and "abang". Hahaha... funny... very funny...

Yesterday, he came to my house at 7.30am. I just came back from sending the kids to school and had just started to cook lunch for my 3 bigger kids who will come back from school in the afternoon (I cook lunch before going to work every morning ever since my last maid went back to Indonesia in December 1995... yet he still accused me as "gagal menjalankan tanggungjawab sebagai seorang isteri")...

Anyway... he called me and said that he was at the front gate. When I asked what he wanted he said he missed Nabil (my youngest boy) and he had taken the day off to take Nabil out. I told him to wait while I got Nabil ready, but he pleaded for me to open the gate. So, not wanting to create a scene, I unlocked the gate... (there is a nursery right in front of my house, parents who were sending their children there were staring at us...)

As soon as he was in... the Hindi drama started... adoi... he pleaded and pleaded almost in tears... for me to retract my suit for taklik... to think of the kids... he would fully finance the renovation of this house, doesnt matter how much... he would buy me a new car, any model I want... he would take us all on a holiday, to any destination I choose... his kids (from his other marriage) would never bother me again... bla bla bla... the list is almost endless...

I just laughed... hm... where have I heard that before... no, thank you...

Later yesterday when I came home from work at about 8pm, the kids said he came by with dinner earlier. He told the kids that he planned to take them all to Genting Highlands this weekend, but with condition... they must talk me into going as well...

The two little boys asked "do you want to go, Mummy?"... I answered "We just went to Penang 2 weeks ago... we will go some other time, ok?"

Muaz said (not in front of his siblings): daddy looks like he is losing my his mind (macam org tak betul)... Apparently the day before his daddy has expressed his fear of losing his case. He even told Muaz that it is now up to Muaz... on 7 July (next trial), Muaz (and Amin) will be called as a witness. He said that if Muaz said he never heard mummy and daddy fight or he had never seen daddy hit mummy, there is a chance that the judge won't rule for mummy. But if Muaz said the opposite, the judge will surely allow the taklik... Muaz said, daddy tried to make him feel guilty.

It is really not fair for the kids, especially Muaz and Amin who will appear as witnesses in court. I know Muaz felt like he has to take side. But I told him, I would never make him do that. His father is always, and will always be his father. In fact, I never stopped the kids from seeing their father. So, I told Muaz that, I would never ask him to take side. I just want him to state the facts, when lawyers or judge ask their questions, just tell the truth...

(I just heard the strange noise again... like sand is being poured on the roof...)

Strange noises late night...

I have been hearing strange noises late at night I think for the past week. It started with a sound like a door being slammed, so I ignored it because Mia's door is bit hard to close and I thought it was her trying to close it but "ter"slammed it instead. But seconds later she came to my room and asked me "bunyi apa tu mummy?".

That, needless to say, caused me to feel nervous and scared. I told Mia I thought that was her slamming her door. She said no. It was past 11pm at that time. I tried to wake Muaz up, but that boy slept like a log.

So, Mia and me sat for a while in the living room, but nothing happened. So we decided to go to bed. I put my son's baseball bat beside my bed and put a steak knife in a drawer beside Mia's bed.

Sleep, of course, didnt come easily that night. And I dont know what time I finally dozed off. I was awakened by the same noise at 4.30am, but too scared to get up and check what it was. I just held the baseball bat and lay down in my bed pretending to be sleeping... The two hours that night waiting for my sons to wake up was the longest 2 hours of my life...

That was on 7th or 8th of May I think. The following night, I heard like the sound of footsteps on the ceiling. When I told Muaz the next day he said it could have been rat. But rat's steps would be fast and not far apart. The sound that I heard was really like human's footsteps.

Last Sunday night I heard like a few stones fell on the roof and about an hour later like the sound of sand being thrown on the roof... after midnight...

All these really give me the creeps...

Lawyer from the seventh hell...

The trial yesterday was scheduled at 11 am but it only started at 11.15. I continued my testimony... rather I was cross examined by his lawyer. A petite, pregnant lady, but evil to the core... I hate her and I hope one day she will be beaten by her husband and when she cries for help, no one will come... Baru padan muka kau...

Among her questions were:

Q: what happened prior to the argument on the 15th of July 2008?

A: I was cooking in the wet kitchen, and defendant was washing dishes in the dry kitchen while mumbling bla bla bla.... I believed he intended me to hear what he mumbled, so I told him to stop doing the dishes and I would do it later. He started complaining about other things, accusing me of being a no good wife bla bla bla... next thing I knew, he slapped me on my right cheek with the back of his right hand.

Q: Did he ever beat you before this?

A: Yes

Q: When?

A: I dont remember the exact dates, but one of the occasions had led me to apply for fasakh in 1995 where the counseling report was submitted as evidence in the last trial.

Q: That evidence was dismissed because it was not certified.

(My lawyer objected, because the report was not accepted as exhibit, but accepted as ID. Judge agreed... thank God).

Q: Is it true that before the argument on the 15th of July 2008, he just came home from work?

A: Yes, in fact we both had just come home from work.

Q: Is it true that he did most of the household chores?

A: No, it is absolutely not true.

Q: Is it true that you never ironed his clothes?

A: Not never, I used to when we just got married. But he didnt like the way I ironed his clothes so he said let him do it himself.

Q: Was there ever an agreement between you and defendant regarding the sharing of household chores?

(By this time, I was already at the edge of my seat:
No. 1, what have all these questions got to do with my taklik claim?
No. 2, why is my lawyer not objecting to all these irrelevant questions?)

A: Do you have such agreement with your husband?

I asked the lawyer from hell... That made my lawyer look at me with sharp eyes... and he said, "just answer the question". So, I said "No, except for the ironing..."

The next question was even more absurd...

Q: Have you ever asked the defendant if he liked doing household chores?

A: No, why? Do you ask your husband?

This time my lawyer asked the judge to allow him to talk to me. He said "just answer what is asked of you. Control your behaviour (jaga adab kamu)"

I asked him, "why didnt you object to all these absurd questions?"

He said, "be patient".

The lawyer from the seventh hell repeated her question, and I answered "NO".

Only then, my lawyer rose and said: Your honour, these questionings show that the defendant and his lawyer did not deny the fact that there was an argument that led to the defendant hurting the plaintive on the night of the 15th of July 2008. And as the questions seem to be more damaging to the defendant than the plaintive, I would like to ask the defense lawyer as to the purpose of these questions.

To this the his lawyer said: There is no further question.

Outside the court room, my lawyer said he was positive that I would win and the defendant and his lawyer knew it too. That’s why they barraged me with those self-damaging questions just to test my temper and to embarrass me.

Lawyer from the 7^th hell indeed........

It is so frustrating...

Tomorrow my lawyer will issue a subpoena each to Muaz and Amin because they were in the house on 15 July last year, the fateful night that made me decide enough is enough...

So, tonight I told them both about it, and you know what they said:

Muaz: I didnt hear anything, I had my headphone on...

Amin: I dont remember anything... and I dont want to lie in court...

And in the middle of the discussion, Muaz's mobile rang... and guess who was at the other end... He was summoned to "mengadap" and he obliged... What to do... I raised him too well not to be "anak derhaka"...

I guess, I rest my case...

And right now I am too tired and sleepy to think...

So, tomorrow.... Que Serra Serra...

Teringat pulak lagu ni...

When I was a little girl
I asked my mother
What will I be
Will I be pretty
Will I be rich
Here's what she said to me

Que Serra Serra
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que Serra Serra

When I was just a child in school
I asked my teacher
What should I do
Should I paint pictures
Should I sing songs
Here's what her wise reply

Que Serra Serra
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que Serra Serra
What will be, will be...

Dinner for Amin's birthday

The restaurant where we had the dinner

The birthday boy...

The birthday boy enjoying his dinner - Grilled chicken... but he said "tak sedap, tastes like staled chicken"...

And... because it was mother's day... a free glass of fresh water melon juice for each mother present at the restaurant... how nice...

Amin's birthday is actually today. But since he (and Mia) has tuition classes every Monday and Wednesday night, I decided to take him (and the other kids as well of course) to dinner last night.

I saw this new restaurant a few days ago when I was coming back from the Section 3 McDonald drive thru with Mia, Aqim and Nabil. And since the place looks so nice, I thought I'd try it last night.... But... haih (sigh)... seperti pepatah Melayu... Indah khabar dari rupa... or in this case... Indah restoran dari makanannya...

Amin turns 15 today...

Amin was born 15 years ago today at Hospital Tengku Ampuan Rahimah Klang. Like Muaz, Amin was also born prematurely, barely 34 weeks. In fact all my 5 kids were born prematurely. At birth, Amin weighed only 2 kg.

Amin... what can I say... ever since he was a little boy, he has always been hard-headed, strong-willed and stubborn... he is and has always been a no-nonsense kind of guy... everything must be practical... no room for mushy jiwang-jiwang kind of stuff. However, whenever I fell sick, he'd be the one that showed most concern - massaging my feet, legs, arms and forehead, checking on me every 10 minutes, asking me if I felt any better...

When he was 4 or 5 years old, he asked me this question:
"Mummy, do you think one of our neighbours would want to sell his house 20 years from today?"
Wondering why he asked that question, I asked him back: "Why do you ask?"
His reply: "Because I want to buy that house and because when I grow up I want to live near you so that I can visit you every day in your old age..."
It was so touching... that I just felt a big lump in my throat...

Being hard-headed and stubborn, we (Amin and me) always engaged in a fight (mostly verbally). And I always say this to him "Amin, if you don't want to listen to me, and if you think living with your daddy is much more fun and easier, by all means, pack up your things and go move in with him"...

I have said this so often that I didnt think it had any effect on him, until last week, when I saw him crying after one big (verbal) argument between him and me. At that time I was also crying in the kitchen. Suddenly I saw him coming to me, and with a very very sad looking face, he said he was sorry... he never wanted to hurt me, and he pleaded to me to not ask him to move back in with his daddy...

Hm... that's my Amin... I hope and pray that he would grow up to be a fine gentleman...

Siamese twins...

I found this (in case the photo is not clear, it's a conjoined twin lizard, with heads at both ends and 4 feet) in a tupperware in my room yesterday while doing some spring cleaning... I showed it to my next door neighbour, an elderly indian couple, the husband said "call TV3", the wife said "kill it, that's bad luck"...

Mother's day...

A card from Muaz
- with touching words and phrases inside, I cried reading them...


A vase from Mia

A model ship from Aqim

A self-made card from Nabil...

As usual. every year I received tons and tons of mother's day wishes... from colleagues, from staff, from friends, from ex-students, from current students, from sisters, nieces, nephews... and of course most special of all, from my dear dear dear angels... though Amin, the tough, rough and no-nonsense no-mushy-jiwang-stuff-ever has not wished me yet... I will write more about Amin tomorrow as tomorrow is his birthday...

I wish to thank all those who sent me their well wishes today (actually since last few days), some very touching, some quite funny, via text messages, emails, and even cards as well as those who wished me verbally...

Here are a couple of funny wishes that I received today:

Women...
at 20s... mengancam
at 30s and 40s... terancam
at 50s and 60s... tak boleh nak cam...
But, no matter what age you are... you always look mengancam to me...
Happy Mother's Day...

Who is stronger? A woman or a man?
A woman, definitely... Because she can carry 2 mountains wherever she goes with absolutely no help.
A man can only carry 2 stones, and even that with a help of a bird...
*(Hahahahahahahaha... I really laughed hillariuosly here...)
So, woman... be strong and stay strong...
Happy Mother's Day...

Mahkamah Syariah ada ISO and SOP...

My next day in court is on the 12th of this month (next week, Tuesday).

So, my lawyer and I are strategising our move... I had to recall all the dates that we had big arguments with witnesses... Not an easy thing to do... it's just like opening old wounds...

Actually this is not the first time that I attempted to leave him. This is my 3rd attempt..

The first was in 1995, anak baru 2 at that time, Muash and Amin. We were renting and living in Taman Seri Muda, and that area falls under jurisdiction of Klang JAIS. I applied for fasakh, because at that time, I just found out that he was courting his ex-wife back. In one heated argument, he slapped me and my head hit a corner (bucu) of the bedroom door.

As the procedure, we had to go through counseling first, and finally the counselor admitted that the differences were irreconcilable, and she (Ustazah Hasnah her name) wrote a report that stated "Pasangan ini tidak dapat didamaikan..."

Tapi entah macam mana... pujuk punya pujuk, he managed to convince me to drop my suit... (Bodoh kan?)

Anyway... in buidling up my case this time, my lawyer thought that it was a good idea to show history of how unhappy my marriage has been by resurfacing that report, which he presented to court in my last trial (10 March). However, his lawyer contested as the report has no letter head, and she demanded that the report be authenticated by asking JAIS Klang.

So, I did go to Klang yesterday to ask for JAIS Klang to certify that report. But what do you know... they refused to do it because:

1. They have ISO, and the SOP is they dont keep documents/files older than 5 years old
2. Laporan kaunseling hanya sahlaku dalam 6 bulan sahaja
3. This is the best part... tak ada org nak taipkan surat pengesahan hari ni sebab kerani cuti.

Hm... tak apalah... no wonder many Mahkamah Syariah cases are prolonged for years... they have ISO and SOP rupanya... hahaha... lawak... lawak...

Do I look like chinese?

Vacation is over...

On the way back we stopped by another sister's house in Bandar Sri Iskandar, Perak

Cousins...

Cousins... 5 of mine and 5 of Ida's

I dont really know when we will see each other again... both our parents are deceased (dad passed away in 1996, mom in 2003). Since then, I can feel that we (7 siblings altogether) are drifting farther and farther apart...

Kulim, Kedah (my sister married a Kedah man and settle there)

Noraini (15, my sister's first child) - very dependable and responsible girl, unlike my sons

Azizah (my sister's 3rd child. She has 5), a very shy girl

Ida (my sister) and husband (Yus)

Aqim and Shukri (Ida's youngest son)

Nabil and Nasrul (in real life, they look really alike)

Bye bye Penang...

Pictures taken from the ferry on the way back to mainland on 30th April. Nabil and Aqim slept through it. Mia, Amin and Muaz tried to wake them up, but they just couldnt open their little eyes. They must have been really tired from spending too much time in the swimming pool.

Penang

Lompat lagi...

They do like to jump... dont they?

T-rex too...

T-Rex on Penang Hill?

Ada ular on penang hill...

On Penang Hill... 3 boys and a snake...

On the hill...

On the Penang Hill...

Still uphill...

Photos taken from the train while we were going uphill

Uphill...

In the train - on the way uphill...

Penang Hill

Bukit Bendera... at the foothill before we boarded the train...

Penang - Masjid Negeri

Masjid Negeri

photo was taken by me from under the flyover before turning right to Bukit Bendera

Older rascals

Another pair of rascals... older than the other two... but mischievous and naughty just the same...

Jump

Watch out! They are jumping in!!!

My little rascals...

The rascals... when they jump into the pool, other people better make way... hahaha...